


Back To Your Heart

by lullys



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Infidelity, Sick Jared Padalecki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:00:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28838193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullys/pseuds/lullys
Summary: Jensen is trying to get a fresh start in life. After an accident that caused the loss of all his memories, Jensen decides to move to a whole new town so he can try and make new ones. When a shy dark-haired guy with the most beautiful hazel eyes moves into the house next door, Jensen is intrigued. And completely fascinated.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 307
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!!! I'm so happy and excited to finally being able to start posting a new story! I've been strugling for a while, because in the past I had some ideas for different stories, but eventually I wrote them all. So I didn't have anything else, and I can only really write when I have a story that makes me want to write. And inspiration wasn't hitting me, I even started another story but my muse wasn't helping. Then I FINALLY started having a hint of an idea forming in my brain, a plot that seemed promising but needed some development. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who helped brainstorming it and BAM! I had a new story ready to write. Some of the stories I wrote were based on something but I'm proud to say this is one of those which I came up with from scratch. And i'm sooooooo excited about it, I really really you guys like it and follow the progress with me! It's gonna be a WIP and I know that's a no for some people but I hsve a clear record of finishing all WIPs I started! And I have faith it won't be different with this one!
> 
> Thank you to Mag for being again my wonderful beta and helping with ideas alongside my other angel Heather, and of course to Lia to for listening to me rambling on about this and helping create this story. You guys are awesome!
> 
> Please as usual if you can, spare some time to lemme know your thoughts on the comments! If you enjoy the premise so far, where do you believe this is going! This is a story where I'm gonna keep some misteries to be revealed as we go and I love it! And by the way, I'm gonna add some more tags to the story, just not right now since I don't want to spoil the surprises hehehehehheheh
> 
> So once again, here we go!

_“Maybe it’s not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better.”_

**Jensen**

“Yes, Mom, for the thousandth time, I’m sure I’m gonna be okay.”

Jensen can clearly hear his mother sighing on the other end. “But baby, you’re so far away from home, I just…”

Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a breath. “You know my reasons, mom. I just want to start over, that’s all. Don’t worry about me, please. I’m thirty-four, I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah baby, but with everything that…”

“Mom,” Jensen cuts her off, holding up a hand even though Donna can’t see it. “Look, I’ve gotta go, I have to still unpack a few things, and the house is a mess. I’ll talk to you later okay? I promise to keep myself alive.”

Jensen says goodbye and disconnects the call, throwing the phone on the couch and massaging his temples with his thumb and middle finger. He knows his mom worries about him, and after everything that happened, she has all the right to worry. But Jensen is going to be okay, ke knows it. He just wishes life hadn’t been so hard on him to throw a curveball his way and shatter everything he had built so far.

Jensen spends the next few hours trying to organize his stuff, and what’s funny, most of his things he can’t even remember. They all belong to a past Jensen can’t connect to, as hard as he tries. They might as well belong to someone else.

It sucks.

Jensen decides to postpone the unpacking and organizing for now, choosing to go for a walk around town so he can get more familiar with the area he will be living in from now on.

Oak Park, Illinois, is a small suburb just outside Chicago, with a population of 52,000 people. There’s no particular reason why Jensen chose this town, it could have been any other town in any other state. After some online research, Jensen thought it could be a good place to start over. He just wanted to leave Texas, he didn’t feel comfortable there anymore. What’s better for a fresh start than a completely new state, right?

Jensen walks downtown, and then strolls down the sidewalk of a street full of shops. He passes by a vinyl store and chuckles. Even Jensen knows how outdated vinyl discs are but he still walks inside since the place seems interesting. Upon close inspection, Jensen learns the place is very interesting indeed, there’s rock music blaring from a speaker, countless posters on the wall and of course, vinyl discs everywhere. Jensen is still inspecting the place when someone approaches him.

“Hey, may I help you?”

Just turns around upon hearing the deep voice, and finds himself staring at a guy a bit shorter than him, with long dark hair and blue eyes. Jensen offers him a small smile.

“Hey, just taking a look around. Was passing by and found the store interesting. Just felt like walking inside to take a better look.”

The guy returns the smile. “Well, good to know! Would you be looking for something specific? Do you have a record player?”

Jensen shakes his head. “Nope.”

“Well, we sell those here too, if you’re interested. I know all the kids listen to Spotify on their phones these days but we ol’ folks know music sounds so much better from a vinyl disc, right?”

Well, Jensen actually _doesn’t_ know that. Maybe he did in the past. He sighs. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Do you have a favorite genre? I can show you some stuff if you’d like.”

Jensen feels a pang in his heart as he shrugs and looks down, speaking mostly to himself. “I don’t know.”

And doesn’t that just _suck_? What kind of person doesn’t know what kind of music they like? Maybe it’s time Jensen learns that again.

The dude frowns and looks at Jensen questioningly. “Excuse me? You don’t know what music you like? How’s that possible?”

Jensen feels himself blushing in embarrassment, and decides it’s time to go. “I’ve gotta go. Sorry for taking up your time. Bye,” Jensen says in a small voice and turns around, leaving the store in quick strides. He’s already back on the sidewalk when he hears footsteps coming after him, and a hand on his arm.

“Hey dude, sorry! Didn’t want to make you upset!”

Jensen purses his lips. “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

The dude frowns again, giving Jensen a worried glance. “Is everything really okay?”

Jensen doesn’t answer, just looks at the guy meaningfully and shrugs again.

The guy nods. “Hey, I’m on a break right now and I’m dying for some caffeine. Why don’t you join me at the coffee shop down in the corner?”

Jensen eyes the dude doubtfully. “Really?”

The guy nods again. “Well, I just thought you could use some company, I promise I’m not a pervert or a murderer, just a humble owner of a vinyl store. I’m Chris Kane by the way.”

Chris holds up his hand and after a second of hesitation, Jensen takes it. “Jensen. Jensen Ackles. Nice to meet you.”

Chris smiles widely. “Nice to meet you, Jensen. So, coffee?”

Chris guides Jensen to the coffee shop, and as they get to the counter the man introduces Jensen to the barista there.

“Jensen, this is Danneel. Or Danni. We’ve known each other for ages since we’ve been working near each other forever. Danni, this is Jensen. He’s still a stranger but he seems nice. So let’s treat him well.”

Danneel chuckles as he takes Jensen’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Jensen! Let’s hope you don’t stay a stranger for too long! What can I get you guys today?”

Once both men have their coffee, they choose a table outside since it’s a warm day. Chris takes a sip of his coffee and turns to Jensen.

“So, Jensen. What’s your story? Did you just move into the great town of Oak Park _Just Outside Chicago_?”

Jensen chuckles, allowing himself to relax. Chris seems like a nice dude, just like everyone else he has met so far, which actually weren’t that many people since Jensen has kept mostly to himself. But he should make some friends, it could be good for him. So he sighs and tells Chris about himself.

“Yeah. I’m originally from Richardson, Texas. _Just outside of Dallas_. I came here because I needed something new, a fresh start. I…”

Jensen trails off and Chris arches an eyebrow. “Hey dude, if you don’t want to talk about it it’s okay. We literally just met.”

Jensen shakes his head. “No, it’s not a secret or anything. Just stuff that sucks. I lost my memory. All of it.”

As Jensen’s words sink in, Chris’ eyes widen. “Oh my God, really? You don’t remember anything from your life?”

Jensen shakes his head. “Nope. I had an accident, a few months ago. I was hit by a delivery truck as I was walking home from work. Of course I was told all of this since I don’t actually recall it myself. I hit my head hard on the curb and had a massive brain injury. I had to go through surgery and was in a coma for a few weeks. They didn’t know how my brain would be affected, if I still would be able to see, speak. Even move. Thankfully all those functions were preserved, but I ended up losing all my memories. And there’s not much hope of getting them back.”

Chris’ eyes are still huge as he listens, and Jensen can see sympathy in them. “Man, that really sucks. And how does it work, did you have to learn everything again? You didn’t remember anyone?”

Jensen remembers the panic when he first woke up in the hospital, a huge black hole in his brain where all his memories were supposed to be. Strangely enough, he still knew who he was and also recognized his parents and siblings, but nobody else. He also remembered basic stuff, how to speak, write, do math, he knew what everything was called and what things were for. He just couldn’t remember anything personal from his life, nothing he had gone through so far. All of his journey was erased.

And it didn’t take long for Jensen to become depressed because of this fact. How do you go on, knowing nothing from the road you’ve been on so far? Jensen had started seeing a therapist, and his family also helped to put together some of the puzzle pieces of his life. It got a bit better eventually, but Jensen is still struggling to connect to himself, since he doesn’t know who the real Jensen is. Sadly nobody knows him one hundred percent, only himself. The one person who can’t help him remember.

Jensen shakes his head. “Nope. Just for some weird reason, my parents and siblings. And when I looked at myself in the mirror I knew I was me. And also, thankfully I know how to do things, I didn’t have to relearn how to speak, write, or do basic chores. I can even drive. Just don’t know who I am. That’s why I decided to move out of Texas. I really needed a fresh start, to be on my own for a while. I’d been living at my parent’s since I got out of the hospital, but I couldn't stay there forever. I decided to sell my old apartment and come here. Google told me it could be a good place as any other.”

Chris chuckles. “Well, I’m glad you ended up here. It’s a nice place, you’ll see. People are very friendly. What are your plans from now on?”

Jensen shrugs. That’s the hard part. “I have no idea. I used to be an architect back in Texas, but I don’t know how to do that anymore. All my education went down the drain,” Jensen says in a sad voice. That part is very depressing. “So yeah, I have no clue what to do. I used the money from my apartment to buy a small house here, and I was financially compensated by the delivery company when I got hit by the truck, so I have some money. I also have some money the previous Jensen had saved. So I’ll be settled for a little while until I figure it out, but I don’t want to be stuck at home doing nothing. I’ll see if I can get a job to occupy my mind, maybe here or in the city. It’s gonna be hard though, who’s gonna hire a thirty-four year old man who doesn’t have experience with anything since he doesn’t remember working anywhere?”

Chris spends some time studying Jensen as he drinks his coffee. As he settles the mug down, he looks resolved.

“Well, you could work for me at the vinyl store.”

Jensen frowns, caught by surprise. “What?”

“Yeah dude, you need help and I need someone else to work at the store. It’s not rocket science and I’m sure we could help you get the hang of it. You look like the kind of guy who enjoys music, since you were drawn into the store, even if you don’t remember what kind of music you like. Am I right?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, well. I really wanted to go inside for some reason.”

Chris arches an eyebrow and offers Jensen a pointed look, as if saying _See_?

Jensen shakes his head this time. “But I can’t take this, Chris. It’s a very nice offering but I can’t let you hire someone for your store just so you can help out a stranger.”

Chris purses his lips. “First of all, you’re not a stranger anymore. We’ve known each other for over half an hour and I already know your whole life story, since it’s so short. Plus, I’m not just doing that to help you out, I actually am hiring for the store. One of my guys quit a couple of weeks ago and I still haven’t found anyone to cover him.”

Jensen eyes him suspiciously. “You sure?”

Chris nods and turns his body halfway so he can call Danneel at the counter. “Hey Danni! Am I looking for someone to hire for _Kane’s_?”

Danneel walks closer and nods her head. “Yep, ever since Carl quit to go to LA with his band to try and make big.”

She laughs and Chris joins her, saying thanks and turning back to Jensen. “They totally suck, by the way, although I didn’t have the heart to tell him. But see? I’m totally looking for fresh meat. You can even see the sign on the window when we walk back to the shop. I promise I need a new helper!”

Jensen considers it for a while and finally nods. It really looks like an opportunity fallen from heaven. “You really sure? As you know, I have no taste in music.”

“Yeah and that’s why you need our help. That’s such a shame, you need to know the cool bands! Why don’t you come by tomorrow and I can show you more of the store and you can give it a try for a day or two? See if you like it?”

Jensen smiles as he finally agrees. “Yeah, okay. That would actually be cool, maybe just what I needed. Thank you so much Chris, you barely know me and you’ve already helped me so much.”

Chris offers his hand and Jensen shakes it. “That’s what friends are for, Jenny!”

*

Jensen walks home to try and do some more unpacking and organizing after saying goodbye to Chris and setting up so he’s at the store tomorrow at 10 am. Jensen is happier, he has managed to score a friend already and looks like a new job when he wasn’t even looking for it yet. And he’s excited, he thinks it’s gonna be good to work with music. Even though Jensen isn’t sure what he likes, he has a feeling it’s some good rock’n’roll and he’s dying to try some songs and find out for sure.

On his way back, Jensen walks by an animal shelter and something tugs at his heart. He thinks about all the animals that are probably alone in there, and he thinks of himself all alone in this new city. Without thinking further, Jensen walks inside and introduces himself to the receptionist, asking about the dogs she may have there. Jensen notices she seems wary, so Jensen explains he just moved to town by himself and maybe could use a new buddy. She warms up to Jensen then, taking him to the back so he can take a look at the dogs.

Jensen doesn’t really have high expectations, but one dog at the very end of the big room gets his attention. When the girl frees him from his cage he jumps on Jensen, licking his whole face. The girl smiles fondly.

“It seems like Icarus likes you.”

Jensen smiles at the dog in his arms. “Icarus huh?”

Icarus barks happily at him and the girl continues. “He’s a mix between cocker spaniel and poodle. We rescued him about a month ago, and the vet estimated him to be around two years old.”

About half an hour later, Jensen leaves the shelter with Icarus in his arms. The moment he saw the little fella, he felt in his heart they should become family. Jensen stops by a small pet shop so he can get some basic stuff for Icarus, he will get more later when he has his car.

Arriving home with Icarus brings Jensen a renewed joy. He’s finally starting to feel at home in Oak Park, Illinois.

*

Things go very well for the next days. Jensen starts working at the vinyl store, and meets Chris’ right hand, Steve. He’s also a great guy and welcomes Jensen with open arms. Jensen starts to get familiarized with music again, and after Chris and Steve introduce him to some bands, he learns he was right. He does love some good ol’ rock’n’roll. Jensen gets the hang of things fast, both men show him how to deal with customers, how to help them with whatever they need and so on. The money isn’t bad and Jensen is very grateful for the new opportunity.

Icarus is also adapting very well to Jensen’s new home, and Jensen already loves his new buddy. He doesn’t like leaving Icarus alone when he has to work, but the dog seems to be handling it alright. Once he realized Jensen was always coming back to him at the end of the day, it was okay. Jensen starts taking Icarus to the park nearby for a walk in the mornings, and it’s an excuse for Jensen to also get some exercise. On one of the mornings, on the way back, Jensen notices his next door neighbors are moving out, there’s a big truck parked in front of the house and workers are carrying the heavy furniture inside it. Jensen hadn’t even had the chance to get to know the people who lived in the house right next to his, he has been busy and he’s not the most sociable person in the world, especially nowadays. He hopes his new neighbors are nice people.

Jensen also starts going to the coffee shop near the vinyl store often to supply his caffeine addiction. He and Danneel often have some small talk, and she seems like a nice girl. Jensen doesn’t miss the looks she throws his way, though. That gets Jensen thinking. With everything that happened, he hasn’t really considered his love life much. He doesn’t even know if he has dated much before, his parents didn’t touch this subject with him. Jensen was clearly single when he lost his memory, there was nobody living with him in his apartment and nobody claimed him as boyfriend. So yeah, he’s probably single.

Jensen doesn’t even know what he likes, if he’s straight, gay, bi or what. And now that he’s thinking about it, he probably should find that out.

It’s one week later when Danneel makes a move. Jensen is getting his coffee when the girl gives him a charming smile.

“So Jensen, I was wondering… do you have plans this Saturday?”

Jensen lifts his eyebrows, he wasn’t expecting her to be this straightforward. He clears his throat. “Well, not really. Still getting used to the city.”

Danneel’s smile grows. “Great, I was thinking we should have dinner together. There’s a cool restaurant down the street, what do you say?”

Jensen purses his lips as he considers it. Why not? He smiles back. “Yeah, sure. It would be great.”

Jensen hopes he’s doing the right thing.

*

Jensen picks Danneel up at 7 pm on Saturday. She looks gorgeous and Jensen tries to calm his nerves. They get to the restaurant and get settled at a table close to the window. They place their orders and start talking, Danneel telling Jensen a bit about herself, where she came from, her family. In return, Jensen opens up about his accident, the memory loss. He tells Danneel he’s trying to figure out who he is, his place in the world. Danneel squeezes Jensen’s arm in sympathy, her face turning sad upon hearing what happened to Jensen and promising to help with whatever she can.

Eventually they leave the restaurant and Jensen drives Danneel home. It was a good night, she’s a nice girl, but somehow it didn’t feel _right_. To Jensen it just feels like something is missing. As he parks the car in front of her house and kills the engine, Danneel takes off her seatbelt and without much warning, comes closer. She cups Jensen’s face with a delicate hand and presses her lips against his. Jensen allows for her to kiss him for a moment and then gently pulls away.

It’s definitely _not_ right.

Jensen holds her hand and looks intensely at her. “Sorry Danni. You’re a great girl, you’re beautiful. Maybe you’d be perfect for me in another world, but I don’t feel this is right.” Jensen takes a deep breath before continuing. “I think… I’m pretty sure I’m gay, Danni.”

Danneel studies Jensen for a few moments. “Well, if you’re really sure…”

Jensen shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m not sure about anything anymore Danni, that’s the problem. I’m trying to guess what the old me was. Going out with you, kissing you has made me realize that this is not for me. I’m just taking a guess here, but it’s what I feel.”

Danneel offers him a sympathetic smile, obviously feeling the turmoil inside him. “It’s okay. I’m glad to help you figure out who you are, it’s not your fault at all. I truly hope you find yourself again, Jensen. You’re a really nice guy.” She squeezes his hand. “Friends?”

Jensen smiles broadly. “Definitely.” He brings her hand up for a kiss and they share a long hug. Jensen is happy to have gained a new friend and maybe having figured out another piece of himself.

*

Before Jensen knows it, his first month in Illinois has passed. He didn’t think he would adapt so well to the town, but surprisingly he’s already feeling at home. He’s getting better at his new job, he even hangs out with his new friends outside work, going for drinks at the bar sometimes. Thankfully things didn’t get awkward with Danneel after their date, and she also joins them sometimes for a beer.

Jensen sometimes goes to Chicago so he can spend some time walking around the big city, since his small town can get pretty boring sometimes. Icarus is also feeling more and more at home, and Jensen loves his buddy very much.

Life is going well and Jensen is content.

As Jensen is leaving for work one day, he realizes there’s someone moving into the empty house next to his. He tries to take a closer look but only sees workers carrying stuff inside, he doesn’t see the new owners. Jensen hopes again they’re nice people.

A few days later, it’s Friday morning and Jensen takes Icarus to the park as he does every other day. As they arrive at the park his dog gets excited, so Jensen unleashes him so Icarus can run around for a while. Jensen sits down on a bench and watches him unloading some energy.

Eventually, a bigger dog comes running in Icarus’ direction, and Jensen stands up, feeling worried for a moment that the big dog may hurt his baby. But as it turns out, Jensen has nothing to worry about since Icarus and the dog seem to get along instantly and start playing around.

Jensen smiles watching them for a while, and eventually he hears a voice.

“Sadie! Baby, where are you?”

There’s footsteps quickly approaching and Jensen stands up again, turning to the sound. Suddenly a guy emerges from behind some trees, his gaze focused on his dog, and a smile appears on his face.

“Here you are! You found a buddy already?”

For a few seconds, Jensen just watches the man, mesmerized. He’s definitely the most gorgeous man Jensen has ever seen. Actually it doesn’t say much since Jensen doesn’t remember his previous life and has not seen many people since starting over. But holy damn. This guy is a piece of art with his dark long hair, pointed nose and strong features, probably a nice body under his t-shirt. Just whoa.

Jensen blinks a few times to come out of his stupor and clears his throat, taking a few steps to get closer to the guy and the dogs.

“Hey, your girl found my guy and it’s like they’re best friends forever already!”

As the words leave Jensen’s mouth, the guy instantly freezes. He slowly turns around and their eyes finally meet.

The guy has the most beautiful eyes Jensen has ever seen, a fantastic hazel color that enchants Jensen instantly. He offers the man a small smile.

“Hey.”

The guy stays frozen for a few seconds but finally shakes it off, also clearing his throat. “H-hey, sorry about Sadie. She--she forgets how big she is sometimes.”

The guy’s voice sounds like honey, like a balm to Jensen’s ears and if he had any doubts he was gay, he doesn’t anymore. Maybe he does believe in love at first sight.

Jensen brushes it off, his smile growing bigger. “It’s okay, Icarus needs some friends anyway. And they seem to be getting along well, don’t you think?”

The guy just looks at Jensen for a few seconds as if in wonder before nodding. “Yeah, yeah. Definitely. They’re getting along just fine.”

Jensen decides to take another step, offering his hand. “Hey, I’m Jen…”

Before Jensen can even finish though, the guy clears his throat. “Sorry, I just--hm. I need to go.” he walks towards the dogs and pulls Sadie away, clipping the leash on her. He looks at Jensen again and his whole posture looks guarded, his eyes reserved. The guy is already walking away when Jensen manages to do something.

“Hey wait up! I don’t even…”

“Sorry for bothering you, bye.” The guy only turns his head halfway to answer Jensen, and quickly disappears through the trees.

Jensen can’t even tell the guy it was not a bother at all. He also couldn’t even get a name.

Jensen feels enchanted by this shy, mysterious man with the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen. He just hopes he can see this guy again.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm so glad you enjoyed the first chapter and want to know where this is going! I'm so excited about this story, I have a lot of ideas for it. I hope you enjoy chapter 2 as well and as usual if you can, spare some time to share your thoughts and maybe theories with me!

_**Jensen** _

Jensen can’t take the guy from the park out of his mind. He seemed so shy and mysterious… plus, those eyes. Staring at them, it’s like something was tugging inside Jensen, something hard to explain. Why didn’t he stay longer? Jensen only said a handful of words and the dude freaked out and left. Jensen wonders if the mysterious guy lives nearby, he probably does. He wouldn’t come from another town or from the other side of this own town just to take his dog to the park.

Jensen hopes he sees the mystery man again.

Jensen goes to the park with Icarus for a couple of days around the same time he saw the guy the other day, but he doesn’t have any luck. Jensen is almost convinced he must have imagined this guy and he doesn’t really exist, when a miracle happens during Jensen's weekly grocery run at the local shop.

Making a turn with his shopping cart for the next aisle, he nearly bumps into someone. When their eyes meet, Jensen’s heart stops. And starts beating faster right after. Jensen tries to recover from his shock and offers the guy a smile, who is still blinking at him with a blank expression.

“Hey! So we meet again, huh?” When the guy doesn’t answer for a couple of seconds, just holds his hand basket tighter, Jensen lifts an eyebrow. “Remember me? From the park the other day?”

The guy shakes his head as if trying to clear his mind and even offers Jensen a very small smile. “Yeah, sure. Sorry. I do remember you. Yeah, such a coincidence.”

Jensen chuckles, happy to hear that voice again. “Well, considering the size of the town we live in and the number of grocery shops, I wouldn’t call it a huge coincidence!”

The guy nods and lowers his head, Jensen can see his cheeks turning a faint shade of pink and goddamn. They share an awkward silence for a few moments until Jensen clears his throat.

“So… can we introduce ourselves now?”

The guy slowly lifts his face and stares again, and Jensen can see something flashing behind those beautiful eyes before he shakes his head and takes a few steps backwards.

“Look, sorry. I’ve gotta go. I have some stuff to… hm. Yeah. See ya.”

Before Jensen knows it, the guy is gone. Again.

Goddamnit.

At least Jensen is more certain now that the guy lives nearby if he was doing some grocery shopping. So there’s hope to see him again and maybe, finally, get a name.

*

Jensen walks out of the groceries shop looking everywhere to see if he can get a glimpse of the tall beautiful man, but he’s nowhere to be seen. Jensen puts the groceries bags in the trunk and starts driving around. He has no idea what he is trying to find, but he does nonetheless. Jensen looks left and right, trying to get a glimpse of a tall guy with long hair and hazel eyes, but it’s all in vain. Jensen sighs and drives back home, frustrated as fuck.

Icarus greets Jensen happily as he enters the house and sets the groceries on the counter. He crouches down to play with his buddy and offers him a treat.

“Hey buddy, how was your day? I saw that guy today again. Remember him from the park? He ran away again. Do you think it’s me? Do I smell bad or something?” On instinct Jensen sniffs his armpits but he thinks he’s good. “I bet you want to see your playing buddy again, huh? We would make a cute family, the four of us.”

Damn Jensen is already imagining all of them as a family. He’s so screwed.

Jensen steps into the shower and turns it on, water hotter than it should be. Grabbing the washcloth and rubbing soap in it, Jensen starts to wash his body. His hand travels south until it finally finds his dick. Jensen strokes it lightly, and his cock starts thickening against his palm. There are a pair of hazel eyes in his mind, followed by fair skin and a pointed nose. If Jensen closes his eyes and concentrates really hard, he can see a mole right next to that pretty nose. That chestnut soft hair that frames that gorgeous face perfectly, and Jensen wonders what it smells like. Probably like heaven.

Jensen strokes himself harder, holding onto the wall with one hand and tilting his head back. He feels his orgasm building and bites his bottom lip so hard it almost draws blood. When Jensen allows that deep voice to wash over him, sounding like a balm to his soul, he can’t hold it anymore. With one final tug he finally comes, his load splashing all over the tiles. Jensen strokes himself lazily a few more times until his dick is completely spent. He takes a few breaths and moments to get himself back together, finishing cleaning himself up and the tiles as well. Jensen dries himself and walks back to the bedroom, throwing himself on the bed, only a towel around his waist. He closes his eyes and realizes those hazel eyes are already imprinted in his mind.

*

Jensen has a break at the vinyl store and decides to go to the coffee shop. As he arrives, Danneel greets him. Jensen sits at the counter this time and orders a coffee and a muffin. He's lost in thoughts until Danneel places the items in front of him.

“What world are you in?”

Jensen looks up and comes back to reality. He chuckles. “Nothing, just a lot on my mind.”

Danneel lifts an eyebrow at him. “Why do I get the impression that _someone_ is responsible for all that wondering?”

Jensen shrugs as he takes a sip of his coffee. “He’s playing hard to get. _Really_ hard to get. Couldn’t even get a name out of him yet. All I know is that he has the most amazing hazel eyes.”

Danneel’s mouth drops. “Oh my! A mystery? That sounds exciting! Is he from around here?”

“I dunno. That’s what I’m hoping to find out. If he lets me, that is.”

Danneel places a hand on Jensen’s forearm and rubs it in a comforting gesture. “I’m sure he will, honey. Nobody can resist those green eyes of yours. Trust me, I know.”

Jensen chuckles and she leaves him be. Jensen finishes his coffee and muffin and slowly walks back to the store.

Once he arrives Steve goes for his own break and leaves Jensen in charge of the store. He goes to the back to take out a few discs that have recently arrived, and when he returns, his heart skips a beat. There, in the store, casually going through the stacks of discs, is the object of Jensen’s affection. Jensen tries to force his heart to calm down and to think so he won’t scare the guy away.

From the counter, Jensen watches him for a few moments as he inspects the various vinyls, and finally after what seems like a lifetime, the guy lifts his head and looks at Jensen’s direction.

Jensen offers him a smile. “Hey, you.”

The guy studies Jensen for a few moments as Jensen holds his breath. And at last, Jensen is rewarded. The guy offers him a timid smile.

“Hey.”

Jensen takes that as an invitation and slowly rounds the counter and walks closer, stopping a few feet away from the guy.

“So… do you like vinyl?”

What a dumb question. No, he hates it, that’s why he’s here at a vinyl store.

The guy nods and looks down at the discs he’s inspecting. “Yeah. Music sounds nice from those.”

Jensen takes a look at the discs the guy has his hands on. “You like rock?”

He shrugs. “I guess I like a bit of everything.”

Jensen licks his lips. “Want me to help you find something nice? No pressure though. If you’re just looking, it’s okay too.”

The guy stares down at the discs for a while, as if deep in thought. Finally he looks up and nods. “Yeah, okay.”

They spend a few moments going through different stuff, the guy showing what he likes better and what he’s not interested in. Finally they settle on _Queen Greatest Hits_ and Jensen is happy with the choice. Chris had introduced him to Queen a while ago and Jensen learned he loved them.

“It’s a great choice. It’s gonna sound great in your record player. You do have a record player, right?”

The guy blinks a few times before answering, looking almost embarrassed. “Oh yeah--yeah sure I have one.”

Jensen leads the guy to the counter and places the disc in a bag, taking the few bills the guy places on the counter. He was hoping the guy would use a credit card so at least he would get a name.

Jensen hands him the bag and offers a smile. “Thanks for stopping by. If you’re interested in other albums, you know where to find them.” Jensen decides to take a chance. “I’m Jensen by the way.”

The guy opens his mouth and closes it almost instantly, as if he was about to say something he shouldn’t. He clears his throat and tries again.

“Thank you, J-jensen.”

He turns around and walks quickly out of the store, and Jensen is disappointed that once again he isn’t getting a name. The guy offers him one last look before stepping onto the sidewalk, and gives Jensen a short nod followed by a microscopic smile.

Jensen counts it as a win.

*

For the first time since Jensen woke up with amnesia, he gets out his acoustic guitar. He knows he used to play, his mom told him, and he brought the guitar with him when he moved to Oak Park, but so far he hasn’t brought himself to try it out. He can feel the familiarity of the guitar, he can tell he used to play. But when Jensen places the thing on his lap and tests the chords, he realizes he doesn’t know how to do it anymore. This really sucks. Now that Jensen is forming a new taste in music (or rediscovering his own), he wants to be able to play. Jensen feels that this may be a way to reach out to his old self somehow. He feels completely disconnected from his old life, and yet he’s afraid to try to get this connection back for some reason.

It’s hard to explain, but even though Jensen desperately wants to know the person he used to be, he’s afraid to find out. But he wants to start somehow, and the guitar seems safe enough. Jensen googles some videos of people teaching how to play guitar and he tries for a while, but it’s a long process. Jensen will try to be patient.

The next day, Jensen gets off work earlier and decides to take Icarus to the park in the afternoon instead of in the morning. So he stops by to get his buddy and also decides to grab his guitar so he can practice a bit at the park.

As Jensen enters the park and walks with Icarus to their favorite spot, Jensen’s heart skips various heartbeats. Sitting in one of the benches is the object of his affection absorbed reading a book, while Sadie runs around nearby. Jensen smiles to himself and walks closer, but before the guy spots him, Sadie announces their arrival by running towards them to greet her friend. That gets the guy’s attention and he looks up to see where Sadie ran off to, and finally spots Jensen.

Jensen can see the wariness in the guy’s face, and he tries to be as non-threatening as possible. He unleashes Icarus so he can set off to go play with Sadie, and carefully approaches the guy, offering a smile.

“Hey.”

It takes a few seconds, Jensen watches him biting his lip and looking down for a few moments, but he finally looks up and returns the smile albeit shyly.

“Hi.”

Jensen points to the empty spot on the bench the guy is sitting on.

“Is this seat taken?”

The guy bits his lips in consideration before answering. “No.”

Jensen smiles wider and takes a seat next to him. Jensen takes a few deep breaths to calm down his nerves and they just stay in silence for a while watching their dogs playing and running around.

“They seem to be best friends already. Didn’t take any time at all. It’s like it’s meant to be.”

Jensen turns to look at the guy as he speaks, and when he looks at Jensen, he can see some emotion flashing in his eyes but it’s gone in an instant. Then he clears his throat and his gaze travels to the dogs again, and he chuckles.

“Yeah, guess so. They’re a great duo. Sadie surely could use some buddies.”

Jensen considers his next words but what the hell.

“What about you? Have many friends in the city? Have you lived here for long?”

The guy lowers his head again, and shakes it a couple of times.

“Nah, I just moved in a few weeks ago.”

He doesn’t elaborate any further or says where he moved in from, and Jensen doesn’t press. Instead, he takes a peek at the book the guy has in his hands.

“So, what are you reading there?”

He turns the book so Jensen can see it.

“Harry Potter, huh?”

The guy nods, looking awkward. “Yeah. I had a hmm--friend years ago who used to love it. He would bitch at me all the time to read it but I thought it was childish and never gave it a try.”

Jensen nods. He has all the books himself, he has seen it among his stuff, but has no idea if he has ever read them.

“And how are you liking it so far?”

The guy shrugs. “It’s not bad.”

Silence stretches again between them until the guy makes a motion with his head to the guitar Jensen has placed on the ground next to him.

“You play?”

Jensen considers his answer for a few moments. It’s complicated since yes he does play and no he doesn’t. But for the guy to understand that, Jensen would have to explain the amnesia and he doesn’t want to talk about that right now. So he goes for an easier answer.

“I’m still learning. Brought the guitar with me so I would practice a bit as Icarus plays around.”

The guy nods. “It’s not hard, actually. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in no time.”

Jensen frowns. “You play?”

The guy suddenly has an unreadable expression on his face again. “Yeah, I do. Had a good teacher years ago.”

Jensen smiles and grabs the guitar, placing it on his lap. He runs his fingers on the chords. “I wouldn’t mind getting a few tips.”

The guy studies Jensen for a few moments before nodding, setting his book aside and turning his body a bit towards Jensen. They spent the next half-hour trying to get Jensen more familiarized with the guitar, the guy showing him some chords. Jensen finds it surprisingly easy, as if a subconscious part of him knows all of this. Eventually the guy smiles at him.

“See? You’re a natural. You’ll be playing any song you want in no time.”

Jensen returns the smile. “Thanks for the help.”

The guy suddenly gets up, grabbing his book. “I better be going. It’s getting late and I need to feed Sadie.”

Jensen takes the opportunity to get up as well. “I’m gonna head home as well. I also need to feed Icarus and myself.”

The guy seems very nervous all of the sudden, for some unknown reason. Jensen frowns. “Is everything okay?”

The guy shakes his head at first, but then finally seems to accept something and nods. “Yeah, it’s fine.” He clasps the leash on Sadie and Jensen does the same with Icarus. Then he points at the direction of his house.

“I live that way.”

The guy glances at him. “Me too.”

Jensen’s heart skips a beat and they start walking together in a semi-uncomfortable silence. The guy makes the same turns as Jensen, and he’s intrigued. Do they really live this close? When both turn on Jensen’s street, a suspicion starts growing in him. Does this guy…

He comes to a stop in front of the house right next to Jensen’s and clears his throat.

“I hm… This is where I live.”

Jensen’s mouth drops. “You are the person who moved right next to me? You’ve been right here this whole time and…” Jensen shakes his head trying to focus on this shocking turn of events. “I have never seen you.”

The guy looks down and shrugs. “Yeah well… I keep mostly to myself. Me and Sadie.”

Unbelievable. Jensen has been dying to see his crush again and this whole time, he has been right here. Next door to Jensen. Jensen chuckles because he’ll be damned. He tries to force his brain to think of something not as embarrassing to say.

“Well… that makes it easier to get more guitar lessons.”

The guy chuckles and looks all shy - or even _more_ shy than he usually looks. “Yeah well. We’ll see. I guess I’ll get going then. Nice talking to you.”

Jensen nods. “Back at you.”

The guy smiles and starts heading to his house. Jensen stares at his back for a few moments before turning around to go to his own place. He takes a couple of steps before he hears his name.

“Hey Jensen?”

Jensen turns around, loving the sound of his own name said by that beautiful voice, and even more that the guy actually remembers his name. Jensen nods once, silently asking what is it.

The guy studies him for a few moments before speaking again.

“Jared. I’m… my name is Jared.”

With that, Jared turns around again and walks inside, closing the door behind him.

And Jensen is rooted to the spot because he _finally_ has a name.

And what a beautiful name that is. Hearing it makes all of Jensen’s insides turn to mush.

_Jared._

*

Jensen walks to his door feeling on cloud nine. The name of his crush is Jared _and_ he lives next door. It’s almost like the universe is trying to push them together for some reason, because if this isn’t fate then what is it? Jensen wishes he would get to know more about Jared and he hopes he has the chance now that he knows they’re neighbors. Jensen promises himself he’s going to be patient and not scare the shy and reticent Jared away.

Jensen honestly feels like a teenager with a first crush, and in a way that’s pretty much the case here. He has no idea who was his first love, who were the people he had crushes on. Jensen doesn’t know when he learned he was gay, who was the first boy he kissed, the first person he had sex with. It’s very depressing if you think about it too hard. Jensen wonders if that’s the reason he’s so enchanted with Jared, since he’s almost back to being a virgin again.

Goddamn.

Jensen tries to push those sad thoughts aside and goes to his office so he can rummage through his books. He finally finds The Sorcerer’s Stone and decides to give it a try. Jared seemed to really like it, and who knows, perhaps that would be something they could talk about, something to have in common with Jared. Jensen starts reading when he goes to bed that night, and he instantly likes it, getting dragged into the world of the boy with the scar who has to live with his uncle. Jensen feels a sense of familiarity as he reads the book, and he wonders if he used to be a Harry Potter fan before. Probably yes since he owns the books and feels so good reading it. Jensen goes to bed much later than he should since he can’t seem to put the book down.

*

Jensen has a shift at the store on Saturday morning, and just as he’s about to clock out his phone beeps. Fishing it out of his pocket, he realizes it’s a text from Danneel.

_There’s a pair of hazel eyes here in the coffee shop. Maybe they belong to your boy?_

Jensen’s heart jumps and he smiles.

_On my way._

Making sure everything is locked up, Jensen walks fast towards the coffee shop. As he enters he scans the area, locating Jared sitting at a booth on the furthest corner, having coffee and reading his book. Jensen smiles at himself and walks to the counter to find Danneel giving him a knowing smile.

“The usual?”

Jensen nods, and Danneel promises to bring him his coffee at the table. He slowly walks to Jared’s table, coming to a stop a couple of feet away from him.

“Hey.”

Jared lifts his head from the book and his eyes widen as he realizes it’s Jensen. He can see Jared swallowing hard and trying to recover. Jensen wonders for the hundredth time why Jared is so shy.

“Jensen, hey!”

Jensen offers him a kind smile. “Mind if I sit down?”

Jared gives Jensen a look that makes him believe Jared will say no, but the man purses his lips as if considering it for a few moments and finally nods.

“Sure, go ahead.”

Jensen sits across from Jared at the same time as Danneel brings him his coffee. He smiles his thanks and focuses on Jared again. He’s holding the book, and Jensen smiles at him again.

“I started reading that one last night myself.”

Jared’s eyes widen at that. “You did? Why?”

Jensen shrugs. “Well, from the way you talked about it yesterday I thought it was worth giving it a shot. I’m really liking it so far.”

“Well I mean, you--” Jared starts but suddenly shuts his mouth, his eyes going wide. He awkwardly clears his throat and starts again. “You’ve never read Harry Potter either?”

Jensen bites the inside of his cheek considering his answer. If he gives Jared an honest one, he would have to tell his whole story to the man. He shrugs as he decides to go halfway.

“Well, to give you an honest answer, I don’t know.” Jared frowns, and Jensen goes on. “But that’s a long and deep story. Perhaps I’ll make you curious enough so you’ll want to hang out with me again and I can share it with you sometime.”

Jared’s frown deepens and he looks down, focusing on his coffee as he speaks.

“This probably isn’t a good idea.”

Jensen cocks his head to the side, mirroring Jared’s frown. “And why is that?”

Jared shrugs deliberately and still doesn’t look up. Jensen can sense for the first time a deep sadness exuding from him. Jared bites his bottom lip for a moment before answering in a small voice.

“I’m probably not a good hanging out material.”

Jensen studies Jared for a while before answering. “Shouldn’t I get to decide that?”

If possible, Jared’s voice gets even lower and sadder. “Just giving you a heads up, that’s all. So you don’t waste your time.”

Jensen sighs, wondering once again what lies behind those sad soulful eyes. “Well, I still believe I should be the one to decide that. And I really think I want to hang out with you, if that’s okay. Unless you don’t want to, of course. I don’t want you to think I’m a creep or anything, I just… well, I recently moved into town after some shit happened and I could really use new friends. And you, well… you seem very special.”

Jared finally looks up, and if Jensen isn’t really mistaken he swears he can see a shine in Jared’s eyes, and he swallows hard before speaking.

“You… you think I’m special?”

Now it’s Jensen’s turn to shrug. “That’s the vibe I get from you.” Jensen really doesn’t want to scare the guy off, he doesn’t even know if Jared is gay or not, but he really feels he should be honest.

Jared blinks a few times before answering. “You… well, you are the only person to say something like that to me.”

Jensen is deeply touched hearing this, especially since Jared’s words are quickly followed by more sadness filling his eyes. So he reaches out his hand to Jared.

“Friends, then?”

Jared stares at Jensen’s outstretched hand for a long moment before slowly raising his own hand and taking his. Feeling Jared’s touch sends sparkles up Jensen’s arm and he feels goosebumps on it.

Jared nods and finally gives Jensen a smile, small and still timid, but big enough to make a dimple appear on his face, making Jensen’s insides turn to mush.

“Yeah, okay. Friends then.”

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guyss! Here's chapter 3 and things are getting deeper! I'm loving to hear you guys' theories, and I'm also loving to add more to this whole mystery! As usual, please if you can spare me some time to share your thoughts! 
> 
> And for the first time, we have the traditional song for this chapter, and a very special one. And I'm linking here the cover version of it that I think fits perfectly for the moment. So [here's the song to this chapter](https://youtu.be/LxVUw1Tyc0c), and wait for it!

_**Jensen** _

Jensen's life in Oak Park goes on much happier now that it’s decided that Jared and he are friends. Jensen feels more and more fascinated by him especially after their talk at the coffee shop. Jared’s eyes are just so sad, hiding so much pain inside. And Jensen is itching to find out more about him, maybe even get a real smile out of Jared. Jensen makes a bet with himself that Jared has the most amazing smile.

He decides not to crowd Jared too much, wants to give the guy some space, not wanting to scare him off. But the odds are in Jensen’s favor since two days later, Jared walks into the vinyl store again just as Jensen and Steve are about to close for the day. Jensen is behind the counter and greets his new friend with a smile.

“Hey Jared! Nice to see you here again, looking for another record?”

Jared offers Jensen a half-smile and nods. “Yeah, I guess. Always nice to have some classics.”

Jensen gladly helps Jared choose something to take home, and as Jared is paying Jensen clears his throat.

“So… are you planning on taking Sadie to the park anytime soon again?”

Jared purses his lips for a moment and nods. “Yeah well, I was actually thinking of doing that once I get home, it’s a warm day and she needs to get out, so why not?”

“Mind some company? I mean, I’m only asking for Sadie and Icarus of course, they seem to be friends and all and it would be cool if they hung out more. What do you think?”

The meaning behind Jensen’s words is very clear and it’s not lost on Jared, who studies Jensen with an indecipherable look on his face as Jensen holds his breath and waits. Finally Jared sighs and nods.

“Yeah, okay. I guess it would be cool if Sadie and Icarus hung out more.”

Jensen smiles widely and they make plans to meet up in half an hour in front of their houses. Jared leaves and Jensen turns around to find Steve smirking.

“Found a crush already, Jenny?”

Jensen looks down and blushes. “Shut up.”

*

After closing the store Jensen walks home, and if he arrives a bit faster than usual it’s completely by chance. Also if Jensen decides to take a shower before walking Icarus and not after as usual, it has nothing to do with anything. And if Jensen sprays some of his favorite - or so his mom said - cologne on himself, well… a guy should smell good for no apparent reason shouldn’t he? Plus he hasn’t worn this scent in a while so it’s time.

Jensen checks his watch and it’s almost time to meet Jared so he clips the lash on Icarus and on a whim, takes his guitar too, then walks outside. He finds Jared and Sadie already on the sidewalk waiting for them. Jensen smiles and approaches the pair, coming to a stop just next to Jared.

“Ready?”

Jared’s sad face abruptly changes as Jensen comes close to him, a frown forms as if he’s suddenly in pain.

“Hey man, are you okay?”

Jared turns his face away from Jensen and if he’s not mistaken, leans away from him a bit. Then he clears his throat as if trying to compose himself again and faces Jensen with an awkward smile.

“Yeah sorry, just… hm yeah. I’m fine. Let’s go?”

They walk side by side in a somewhat uncomfortable silence, and Jensen decides to break it. He lifts his guitar so Jared can see it.

“I brought my guitar again, hope you don’t mind helping me play again?”

Jared turns to face Jensen and gives him a sincere smile. “Not at all.”

They arrive at the park and unleash the dogs so they can run around and play, then take their places at their bench. They spend a nice hour with Jared patiently teaching Jensen how to play. At some point Jared takes the guitar, playing some random melodies, and Jensen decides he loves watching him play.

“Would you sing something to me?”

Jared’s fingers stop playing and he looks up with his eyes widened. “What?”

Jensen shrugs. “Well, you play so well. I’m sure you must have a nice singing voice too, I’d love to see you playing - and singing - something.”

Jared shakes his head. “I’m not good, not like… well, my voice isn’t anything special, that’s all.”

Jensen reaches out and wraps a hand around Jared’s bicep, giving him a hopeful look. “Please? I could bet it is. It’s just us Jared, nobody else. Even if you sucked at singing, I would never mock you I promise. But I doubt it.”

Jared looks down and starts playing with the chords for a few moments as Jensen reluctantly lets go of his arm, giving him space. The melody slowly changes and finally Jared’s slightly raspy voice fills the air just enough for Jensen to hear.

_You tell me you're in love with me_   
_Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me_   
_It's not that I don't want to stay_   
_But every time you come too close, I move away_   
_I wanna believe in everything that you say_   
_'Cause it sounds so good_   
_But if you really want me, move slow_   
_There's things about me, you just have to know_

_Sometimes I run_   
_Sometimes I hide_   
_Sometimes I'm scared of you_   
_But all I really want is to hold you tight_   
_Treat you right, be with you day and night_   
_Baby, all I need is time_

_I don't wanna be so shy_   
_Every time that I'm alone, I wonder why_   
_Hope that you will wait for me_   
_You'll see that you're the only one for me_   
_I wanna believe in everything that you say_   
_'Cause it sounds so good_   
_But if you really want me, move slow_   
_There's things about me, you just have to know_

_Come, just hang around and you'll see_   
_There's nowhere I'd rather be_   
_If you love me, trust in me_   
_The way that I trust in you._

Jared never looks up at Jensen as he sings, and Jensen watches him completely hypnotized. Jared’s voice is incredibly beautiful, and the song he chose…

Jared finishes and slowly takes the guitar off his lap to prop it against the bench. Then he finally looks up and their eyes meet again. Jensen swears he can see a myriad of feelings in them, and suddenly the air feels heavy. Jensen feels his body involuntarily moving forward, and he just wants _so much_ …

The moment is broken as Jared clears his throat and gets up, calling for the dogs and turning to Jensen with flushed cheeks.

“It’s getting late, we should get going.”

Jensen sighs, feeling disappointed, but nods and gets up.

“Wanna go grab something to eat?”

Jared clasps the leash on Sadie as he scrunches his nose. “Raincheck? I really should go home now, but… maybe next time?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, sure. No problem.”

They walk home in silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Jensen itches to walk closer to Jared, he feels as if Jared were a magnet pulling him in, but he fights the urge. He’s going to give Jared space.

They say their goodbyes in front of Jared’s house.

“So… have a good night,” Jensen says as he scratches the back of his head.

Jared smiles. “You too. I hm… Sadie had a good time today.”

Jensen smiles. “So did Icarus.”

*

Jensen lies in bed awake for hours that night as the lyrics of the song come back to him. He googles it and learns it’s from someone called Britney Spears, and he reads the words over and over again.

_But if you really want me, move slow  
There's things about me, you just have to know_

Hm. Jensen wonders over and over if Jared chose that song deliberately.

_Hope that you will wait for me  
You'll see that you're the only one for me_

Was Jared singing the song to Jensen or _for Jensen?_

The last part is the one that gets him the most.

_If you love me, trust in me  
The way that I trust in you_

They barely know each other, Jensen knows next to nothing about Jared and vice versa. And Jared is always so reserved around Jensen, it’s obvious the guy doesn’t trust him yet. So no, probably Jared just randomly chose the song, one he was good at playing and singing. But…

_Baby, all I need is time._

Something deep inside tells Jensen that Jared was giving him a hidden message, and Jensen decides he’s gonna listen to his heart. Jared seems like someone worth fighting for, even if Jensen doesn’t know much about him. Yet.

Because he does want to know. And Jensen knows he can be patient. He doesn’t have to go anywhere and hopefully neither does Jared. Something very deep pulls him towards Jared and Jensen will happily allow himself to be reeled in.

*

On Saturday they take the dogs to the park again. Jensen has the day off and he chose to take Icarus for a walk in the morning since he needed to run some errands later. He had decided to take a chance and rang Jared’s doorbell. The man had answered with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Hey Jensen.”

“Hey Jared… Icarus here was wondering if Sadie is up to play a bit at the park.”

Jensen had his guitar in hand so his intentions were clear. Jared looked from Jensen to the dog and the guitar and after a few seconds where he considered the offer, he finally nodded.

“Yeah, sure. Gimme ten minutes.”

*

They spend a great morning together with Jared again teaching Jensen how to play, discussing the Harry Potter books, and watching their dogs playing. Once it’s time to leave they again walk side by side to their homes, and when they reach Jared’s house, both come to a stop. They just stare at each other for a few moments, both clearly feeling a bit awkward and not knowing what to say. Jensen decides to take another chance. He scratches the back of his head and glances nervously at Jared.

“So… are you doing anything tonight?” Jared just raises an eyebrow and Jensen continues. “Just, well… I’m gonna have dinner. And you probably need to have dinner as well.” Jared’s second eyebrow joins the first and Jensen chuckles. “God, I’m making a fool of myself, sorry. Just well, wanted to see if you’d like to go grab a bite of something, you said the other day… well, you asked for a raincheck and maybe tonight we could. Hm. Just as friends, I mean. I haven’t had a chance to check the places in town yet and you also just moved into town so I thought we could…”

“Hey Jensen?” Jared cuts him off gently and Jensen’s eyes widen.

“Yeah?”

Jared offers him a half smile. “If I say yes to your offer will you stop rambling?”

Jensen lowers his head and pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling his cheeks blushing furiously. “I’m definitely making a fool of myself. I’ll stop, sorry. And I promise I won’t talk much at dinner.”

Jensen chances a glance up and sees Jared’s smile growing a bit bigger. “It’s okay, I promise. What time, then?”

“Meet me here at seven?”

*

All day long Jensen feels like a teenager before a prom date. He runs his errands but he has only one thing in mind and that’s his date with Jared later.

Well, it’s not a _date_ , date. They’re only going out to grab something to eat together. Jensen is sure friends must do that kind of stuff all the time. He’s very nervous since he has no idea how to behave in a situation like this, all of it is new to him as if he were really a teenager. Jensen truly hopes his instincts kick in and he doesn’t embarrass himself completely in front of Jared. Again. He promised himself he would go slow, he just wants to get to know Jared.

Jensen spends more time than he probably should picking out an outfit for the night. He won’t lie to himself that he doesn’t want to impress Jared. He wants to look casual though, so he goes with an olive green henley shirt, dark jeans that fit him well and sneakers. He styles his hair to the side just with a dab of gel and sprays some cologne. He asks Icarus if he’s looking alright and gets an excited bark for an answer, so he takes that as an yes.

Jensen meets Jared in front of his house, and the man takes his breath away. He’s dressed so simply, just a black t-shirt with a plaid shirt on top, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, light jeans and boots. His hair is still damp from a shower and he smells wonderful. Jensen smiles when he sees Jared.

“You look great.”

Jared smiles back. “So do you.”

Jensen guides Jared to his car, and tells him he chose a nice steakhouse after talking to his friend Chris, who recommended it. The drive offers a slightly uncomfortable silence since they’re in that awkward phase where they’re not comfortable around each other yet, but Jensen hopes that can change soon, once they start getting to know each other better. Jensen has a deep feeling it’s worth it, Jared is worth it. Something tells him that.

They arrive at the restaurant and get settled at a table next to the window, with a nice view. The place seems cool and Jensen is glad Chris recommended it. They study the menu in silence for a while and place their drinks orders. When the waiter leaves them, both stare at each other and chuckle at the same time.

Jensen purses his lips, giving Jared an amused look. “This is awkward, huh?”

Jared nods. “Yeah. But I don’t want it to be.”

Jensen smiles. “Neither do I. This is only a dinner between friends, remember?” Jared nods again. “But since we are still basically strangers, why don’t we share a bit about ourselves so we can get to know each other better?”

Jared gets that strange look on his face again, but finally nods. “Sounds good. Why don’t you start?”

Jensen takes a deep breath, considering how to start. He decides to go with the basics. “Well, I’m thirty-four, I’m originally from Richardson, Texas. It’s very close to Dallas. I have an older brother and a sister, my parents still live in Richardson. My siblings are also around Texas.”

Jared nods as he takes it in. “And why… why did you decide to move to Illinois? Have you been here for long?”

Jensen shakes his head, getting to the hard part. “Nah, I actually moved here a bit before you did, just a couple of months. I… I’ve been through some hard stuff. Months ago I was hit by a delivery truck as I walked home from work. I had a massive brain injury, had surgery, was in a coma for a while. It was pretty much touch and go for a while. The doctors didn’t know exactly what the damage would be, and when I finally woke up, luckily I had all my basic functions preserved. But of course there had to be something.” Jensen sighs before continuing. “I ended up with amnesia. I can’t remember anything from my previous life. For some weird reason I could remember my folks and siblings and basic functions, but that was it.”

Jared’s eyebrows rise as he hears Jensen. “Oh my God… So… you don’t remember anything at all that happened to you until now?”

Jensen shakes his head. “Nope. It’s depressing huh? I only know bits of my life from what my family told me and from seeing pictures and stuff but that’s it. The sad part is, only I knew myself completely. And I’m the only person who can’t help myself remember. That’s why I said I don’t know if I’ve read Harry Potter or not. I have no idea, as it is with most things nowadays.”

Jared gives Jensen a look full of sympathy. “I’m so sorry Jensen. Nobody should go through something so horrible as that. Even if… well, more often than not I wished I could forget things, but actually having that wish granted is probably much worse. Not knowing who you are. Can’t even imagine.”

Jensen takes a deep breath, feeling moisture gathering under his eyelids as he feels strangely emotional sharing this with Jared. “Yeah, I can tell you it’s not easy. That’s why I decided to move here. Once I was released from the hospital, I moved back with my parents but couldn’t stay there forever. I felt like I needed a fresh start, so I decided to sell my apartment in Richardson and move somewhere completely new. That’s why I’m here, hopefully to create new memories.”

Jensen looks meaningfully at Jared, who lowers his head and wraps his hands around the water glass. “That sounds good. Seems like you’re already on the right path.”

“Yeah, I could say that. Okay so now you need to tell me a bit more about yourself.”

Jared looks up sharply and Jensen can see fear behind his eyes, like he’s scared to share himself with Jensen. He patiently waits, he’s dying to know more about Jared, but he promised himself he would be patient. He can do it.

It takes a couple of minutes but Jensen is finally rewarded since Jared takes some deep breaths and starts talking.

“Well, okay. I’m actually from Texas too.”

Jensen lights up at that, maybe that’s why he feels such a familiarity when he’s close to Jared. “Hey, that’s awesome!”

Jared smiles shily. “Yeah, it is. I was born in San Antonio. I’m thirty-two. I also have an older brother and a younger sister. I… well. Let’s say me and my parents have a difficult relationship. It may not be all sunshine and daisies coming from a powerful family from Texas, especially when… well, specially when you’re gay.”

Jensen mentally pats himself on the back for not visibly reacting the way he is doing on the inside at the revelation. Yeah, he strongly suspected it but having it confirmed is a whole new story. _Yay_.

He only nods politely coaxing Jared to continue.

“Well… I don’t want to get into details but I decided to move away when I started college. I was accepted into the University of Georgia so I moved to Atlanta. I just wanted to get away, really. From… from everything. I had some hard years before starting college. So to me, that was my fresh start. I studied IT and got a nice job offer in Atlanta, working for CNN, so I ended up staying there. I never went back to Texas, barely talk to my family. It’s… it’s better this way. I moved here because, well… I got transferred to Chicago and thought it would be good to change the scenery for a while, having lived in Georgia for years. I chose Oak Park because I didn’t want to live in the city I guess. I’ve lived in Atlanta for years, thought I could go with a small town for a change. It’s worth the commute and I can work from home nowadays as well, so it’s all good.”

Jensen feels a pang in his heart knowing Jared barely sees his family. “And don’t you have any friends? I hate thinking you’re all alone out there.”

Jared chuckles but it’s humorless. “Well, I have a few friends, not many. There’s Chad, he’s my best friend I guess. We met in college, were roommates. He can be a bit of a douche at first, but you need to get to know him. He’s a very loyal friend. I miss him, actually.”

“Well, you could invite him to come visit for a few days.”

Jared shrugs. “Yeah, maybe sometime I will.”

They place their order to the waiter and learn that their taste in food is quite similar. Both being proud Texans, they share the love for a good juicy steak. They make some more small talk as they wait for their food and later as they eat, Jensen talks about how he used to be an architect but had to start over since the amnesia, and how he met Chris and he gave him an opportunity at the store.

“Don’t you ever think about going back to school?” Jared asks as they eat.

Jensen shrugs and considers the question. “I dunno. Haven’t really thought about it, what I’m gonna do from now on. But yeah, that would probably be a good idea, actually learning to do something again. Dunno if it’s not too late though.”

Jared gives him a meaningful look. “It’s never too late to start something new.”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, guess you’re right. Maybe I could start over, who knows.”

Jared smiles shily. “That would be good.”

They talk some more, learn new things about each other, what they like and don’t like. Jensen can’t share much in that aspect since he’s still relearning what he enjoys or not, but he shares this with Jared too, how hard it is not knowing who he is.

“You have no idea what’s like being in your thirties and having no clue what happened to you. Like I said, my closest ones helped some, but they also made it clear that I used to be a very reserved person, didn’t open up much with others. I didn’t have many friends, kept mostly to myself. So my biggest source would be myself. It sucks not knowing how I used to feel, the experiences I’ve been through. I have no idea if I met people who meant something to me, I don’t know who was my first love.” Jared is staring intently at him and Jensen can see some deep emotion flashing behind his eyes, and he reads it as sympathy for him and the situation he finds himself in. Jensen bites his bottom lip as he stares at his glass. “It really sucks, Jared. I have no identity at all and sometimes I just feel like I’m adrift. Like I was thrown into this world without warning and I must survive somehow. But sometimes I don’t know how. I…”

Jensen feels a tear streaming down his face but he doesn’t wipe it away. This is the most he has ever shared with anyone and it feels good, Jared is listening to him so closely and he feels a good energy pouring out of the man, like he really cares and wants to listen.

“It’s so hard to go on sometimes, I want to have a normal life and start over like I’m doing, that’s why I took the job at the store and got Icarus, to give me something to focus on, a purpose. I know I seemed like a stalker with you, pushing hard so we would become friends, but it’s just that I felt something good from you, felt like we should be friends and stuff. I apologize if I pushed too hard, but I am honestly trying to learn the basic stuff… like how to properly behave in society.”

Jensen chuckles, embarrassed, and after a couple of moments he feels a warm touch. When he glances up, he notices Jared has wrapped his hand around his arm. When Jensen looks at Jared’s face, he can see the man is also emotional.

“Yeah, you’re right Jensen. I have no idea what that’s like, not knowing who you are. But I’m glad you are trying, and that you felt like we should be friends. It… it means a lot.” Jared makes a pause, as if he’s considering something very important. After a few moments he offers Jensen a smile. “If you want… well, we can hang out more, perhaps we could try stuff and learn what you may like, help build a new story for you.”

Jared’s words touch Jensen deeply, and he smiles back sincerely.

“I’d like that very much.”

*

Jensen drives them home, and the ride back is much less awkward than the one to the restaurant. They stay silent, having already shared a lot during dinner, but this time it’s not uncomfortable. Jensen chances a few glances Jared’s way, who smiles back whenever he does it. He parks the car in front of Jared’s house and cuts the engine. They stare at each other for a few moments and chuckle at the same time. Jensen really feels like a teenager after his first date, even if it wasn’t a _date_ , date.

“So…” Jensen starts to break the silence. “ Thanks for agreeing to dinner tonight. I hope you had a good time.”

Jensen is so nervous thinking he may have made Jared awkward somehow, even if he didn’t show it at the time. But Jared just smiles sincerely. “It was awesome, really. I had a great time. And I meant it when I said we could hang out more.”

Jensen smiles widely. “Awesome! So if it means we get to hang out more, can I have your number?”

It takes a couple of heartbeats but Jared finally nods, reciting his number to Jensen. Jensen calls Jared’s phone so he can save his as well. They share an awkward moment as they clearly need to say goodbye but it seems neither men know how to act. Jared is the one who breaks the moment.

“So… I’ll get going then. Sadie must be missing me. See you around?”

Jensen offers Jared a half smile. “You know where I live.”

Jared smiles back and they share a moment as they only look at each other. Jensen swears he can see so many emotions in Jared’s eyes, he wishes he could know everything about him.

Jared swallows hard as he touches the door handle. “Night, Jensen.”

With that Jared exits the car and Jensen watches him walking away, up until he reaches the door. With one final look Jared gets inside, closing the door behind him. Jensen stays rooted on the spot for a few moments until he finally snaps out of it and makes the short drive to his own driveway.

After playing with Icarus a bit and washing up for the night, Jensen lies on his bed only with a towel on, and he thinks about the night with Jared. He’s pleased to finally learn more about the man, yet he knows there’s so much more. What Jared shared with him was barely a scratch on the surface, Jensen can feel the mystery pouring out of him. Hopefully there will be plenty of time to know all about Jared.

Jensen feels good having opened up to Jared like that. It was the first person with whom Jensen felt he really wanted to share his fears and doubts, and he had a strong feeling it was the right thing to do.

Is it possible to fall in love this quickly with someone? Jensen worries, he doesn’t want to get hurt. But being hurt because of love is part of being human, isn’t it? And since Jensen has no idea if or how many times he was hurt in the past, he knows it’s something he probably ought to go through. Not that he wants to. Jensen doesn’t remember his experience with falling in love with people and yet he feels his heart pulling him towards Jared for some reason. As if the place Jensen belongs is right next to Jared.

Like Jared may be the answer to a question Jensen has no idea how to ask.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the million dollar question is...
> 
> who is Jared?
> 
> and PS... sometimes there are small hints if you look between the lines ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my darlings!
> 
> Here I give you Chapter 4. it's a bit longer than the previous ones and brings a lot of emotions. i'm LOVING to see your comments, hear your theories! thanks for sharing them, and I've gotta say a couple of people have come very close, I'm impressed!! After this one, I'd REALLY like to know your thoughts!!! So please share them with me!!
> 
> By the way, the idea for the text messages came from one of the last Nyxocity's fics. I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing it!
> 
> Here's the [song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaO9Yls3b8s).
> 
> Enjoy!

_**Jensen** _

Jensen texts with Jared a few times over the next couple of days. They don’t talk all day long but the few times is enough to make Jensen much happier. He had decided to give it a chance, texting Jared the morning after their non-date to give him a good morning and wish a good day. Jared hadn’t taken long to reply, answering the good morning and wishing Jensen a good day at work. Jensen had lightened up at that, and to his surprise and happiness, it was Jared who had texted next, a couple of hours later, complaining about work. Jensen counted that as another small victory.

Danneel notices his good mood as Jensen stops by for coffee.

“Hmm I see a different kind of smile on that face,” she says as she takes Jensen’s order. “Does it have something to do with Mr. Hazel Eyes?”

Jensen blushes and nods, busying himself with counting some bills to pay for his order. “Hmm, maybe. We’re hanging out, so it’s good.”

Danneel claps her hands and gives Jensen a smile. “Oh that’s great! You two look very hot together, I approve of it completely.”

Jensen chuckles and takes his coffee. “Thanks Dani.”

*

In the evening Jensen arrives home and takes a shower after playing with Icarus a bit. He’s tired from a full busy day at work and is wondering what he could have for dinner, he definitely doesn’t feel like cooking and there’s no leftovers in the fridge. Jensen wonders if he should order takeout when his phone beeps. He takes it and notices it’s a message from Jared, and smiles excitedly as he unlocks the phone and reads it.

A huge smile spreads on Jensen’s face, and before he can answer, another message pops up.

Jensen’s smile grows impossibly wider as he reads the whole thing, feeling happiness taking over him. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself enough to answer.

Jensen’s smile stays in place as he changes into less worn clothes and makes himself more presentable. As he’s getting ready to leave, another message arrives.

Jensen turns to his dog. “Wanna go hang out with Jared and Sadie, buddy?”

Icarus spins around and barks excitedly and Jensen leashes him so they can go. He walks the few steps to Jared’s place and rings the doorbell, his heart beating a mile a minute. Jared answers after a few moments, a smile on his face.

“Hey, welcome! Come in guys!”

Jensen steps inside with Icarus, and Sadie greets them, tail wagging happily. Jared leads Jensen to the small backyard so they can leave their dogs there to play freely. Once they’re back inside, Jensen turns to him.

“Thanks for inviting me.”

Jared smiles. “No problem. Wanna order the pizza?”

Jensen nods. “Got it.” He opens a food delivery app and they choose the toppings and size they want, Jared agreeing they need a meat lovers pizza. Jensen loves how they’re so in sync.

Jared heads to the kitchen and Jensen follows. “Want something to drink? I have water, juice, Coke and a couple of beers.”

“Beer’s fine.”

Jared hands Jensen a Bud but grabs a Coke for himself. Jensen makes a motion with his head. “Won’t you drink a beer too?”

Jared clears his throat before answering. “Nah… I’m not drinking much at the moment. Plus, I’m a Coke lover.”

Jared exits the kitchen and leads Jensen to the living room, ending the subject. “Wanna start watching the movie now or wait for the pizza?”

“We can start now.”

Jared sits down on one end of the couch and Jensen takes the other, giving the man some space. Jared sets Netflix up and the movie starts.

They have a great night together. Jensen admittedly loves the movie, and can’t wait to read the second book and watch the second movie. He almost tells Jared to put on Chamber of Secrets next but he really wants to read the book first. They end up watching a football game that’s on TV as Jared takes out some ice cream he has in his fridge for dessert. Jensen is having a great time and he doesn’t want to leave, but he has to since both work in the morning. So he reluctantly calls Icarus and says good night to Jared and Sadie, and both walk them to the door. Jensen steps outside and turns around to offer Jared a smile.

“Thanks for the invitation. I had a great night.”

Jared smiles back. “Me too. Finish Chamber of Secrets soon so we can watch the second one.”

Jensen nods excitedly. “On it!”

Jensen sleeps wonderfully that night.

*

As they text back and forth the next day, Jared tells Jensen he’s working from home the next day and Jensen has an idea.

Jared takes a couple of minutes to answer.

Jensen spends the rest of the day planning the whole thing in his mind, hoping Jared enjoys it. _It would be much better if breakfast happened after Jared having spent the night,_ his mind provides, but Jensen shuts it off. He’s going slow and it’s wonderful like this.

On his way home from work Jensen walks by a store that sells all kinds of geek stuff, and something catches his eye. Jensen smiles and immediately walks inside, making a purchase. Then he stops by the grocery store to get some things for said breakfast and happily walks home planning everything in his mind.

*

Jensen wakes up early the next morning to get everything ready. He makes fresh orange juice, a pot of coffee, and sets everything up for when Jared arrives, especially the small breakfast special he wanted to cook for him.

Jared shows up at 8, which was the time Jared had told him to come. He also brings Sadie with him.

“Morning guys! Come on in!”

Jared offers him a smile and walks inside, Sadie immediately going to greet her friend. Jensen takes the dogs to the backyard so they can spend their time together, then turns to Jared.

“So… thanks for accepting my invitation. I hope you like what I have prepared.”

Jared smiles kindly at him as they walk to the kitchen. “I’m not picky, don’t worry. And I love breakfast food, I’m a fan of IHOP and everything!”

Jensen chuckles, feeling relieved. “Good. Why don’t you sit at the island and I’ll get everything ready?”

Jared does as Jensen tells him, and Jensen sets in motion. He asks how Jared wants his eggs, and since he likes them scrambled too, Jensen mixes the eggs together for both of them. He also puts some bacon on to fry. Meanwhile he carries the pot of coffee to the island and takes the set of mugs he bought yesterday. He arranges the four of them in front of Jared, who chuckles.

“You bought Hogwarts houses mugs?”

Jensen blushes and scratches the back of his neck. “Well… don’t call me a geek. But I was walking home yesterday and I saw those at a store and couldn’t resist. They were calling to me!”

Jared smiles fondly at him. “Sure they were. So, Sorting Hat, which mug should I take?”

Jensen inspects the four mugs, considering carefully, as he takes one and pours coffee, handing it to Jared, who takes it with wide eyes.

“You see me as a Gryffindor? Really?”

“Well. Gryffindors are described as being loyal, brave, courageous. I believe you are all of those things.”

Jared doesn’t say anything for a while, just stares at the mug with a frown on his face, then looks back up at Jensen.

“But you barely know me. You can’t know if I’m brave or l--loyal.”

Jensen shrugs. “I just have a sixth sense, that’s all.”

Jared stays silent again for several moments and Jensen would give a million pennies for his throughs. Instead, he clears his throat.

“Now it’s your turn to sort me. Which mug should I take?”

Jensen leaves Jared to decide and goes to check on the eggs and bacon. He decides they’re good and transfers everything to the plates. He carries them to the island and sets one in front of Jared in time to see him pouring coffee into a mug. Jensen inspects closer.

“A Hufflepuff?”

Jared hands him the mug. “Yep. Hufflepuffs are very underestimated I think. They are hard-workers, patient and very friendly. I think you’re all of that.”

Jensen smiles and sits down so they can eat the first part of breakfast. Once they’re done, Jensen sends Jared to the backyard to hang out with the dogs as he prepares the rest since it’s a surprise. He makes Jared take the jug of orange juice and glasses, and he will be out in a few.

Jensen takes extra care of his preparation, truly hoping Jared enjoys it. Once it’s done, Jensen carries a small tray outside and some napkins. He sits down on the big loveseat next to Jared and shows him what’s on the tray.

“Here’s Jensen’s breakfast special.”

When Jared looks at what Jensen is showing him, his face transforms. His mouth drops and when he looks up at Jensen, there’s a shine in his eyes.

“You made french toast?”

Jensen nods, wondering what caused such a reaction on Jared. “Yeah, I mean. Yep. It’s something I used to do apparently. My mom told me she used to make them ever since I was young and I always loved them. Eventually she taught me and I became a pro at it. After the accident she made some for me and of course I fell in love again. I made her teach me once more and it’s my specialty now. Again.” Jensen notices Jared has a very strange look on his face. “Why? You don’t like them?”

Jensen truly hopes he hasn’t made something Jared hates for some reason, but Jared shakes his head and clears his throat.

“No, I mean… Sorry. It’s just, it’s been such a long time since I had french toast. It just caught me off guard. Wasn’t expecting it.”

Jensen lets out a relieved breath. “Let’s dig in, then?”

Jared nods and starts reaching out but stops halfway. “Actually… you wouldn’t have maple syrup by any chance?”

Jensen frowns. “French toast with syrup?”

Jared shrugs. “It’s the best combination, actually. Trust me.”

Jensen has never considered that but he goes to the kitchen to fetch the syrup, and pours it on some toasts as he returns. Jared watches it fascinated and finally takes one, eagerly bringing it to his lips. As he takes a bite his whole face lights up, as if he has just gotten the best Christmas present. Jensen just watches him, mesmerized. Jared eats the whole toast and licks his fingers and then his lips to capture the syrup there.

Jensen actually swallows hard.

He clears his throat and tries to calm himself down. “So I assume you like it?”

Jared nods, already reaching for a second one. “All I’m going to say is that you better hurry.”

Jensen chuckles and reaches for a piece. Jared was right, french toast with syrup is the best combination in the world. They eat the whole tray without saying much, both clearly wanting to enjoy the delicious food.

Eventually Jared declares he must go home since he needs to start working soon, and Jensen agrees since he must start getting ready to go to the store. Before leaving, Jared turns to Jensen.

“Here’s an idea… would you like to leave Icarus at my place today? Since I’ll be there the whole day and everything, he can hang out with Sadie and won’t be alone. I can bring him along when I take Sadie to the park later. And if you want… perhaps you could meet us there. If you want to, of course.”

Now it’s Jensen’s face that lights up like a Christmas tree. “I’d love that. Thank you, Jared. I really appreciate it. So does Icky.”

Jared leaves with Sadie and Icarus and Jensen has a smile on his face the size of the world, and a heart just as full.

*

Jensen leaves work and drives to Five Guys. He had decided to drive today instead of walking since he had plans of stopping somewhere to grab food for Jared and him afterwards, and also so he could take his guitar and not have to carry it to work before going to meet Jared and the pups. He has been so anxious all day long to finally meet up with Jared, it felt like the clock was going backwards. But now it’s finally time. So after making a detour to get burgers, Jensen drives to the park.

The scene that greets Jensen, makes sweet warmth spread all over his body. Jared is at the small basketball court playing with the dogs. Jared hasn’t seen him yet so Jensen stays partially hidden behind a tree, just watching. They’re not as much playing as they’re just having fun, Jared dribbling the ball while both dogs jump around him, and they run to the basket when Jared throws the ball at it. Jensen smiles fondly at the scene.

He decides to finally make his presence known and approaches the small group. When Jared sees him, a smile spreads on his face.

“Hey Jensen! About time!”

Jensen smiles back. “How about a break for food?”

“Hell yeah!”

They walk to their bench and as Jared gives treats to the dogs, Jensen takes the burgers and fries out of the paper bag. They have a nice time together again, and after they finish eating the guitar lesson starts and Jensen is really getting the hang of it. He manages to play a couple of full songs and he feels happy. When it’s time to go home, Jared, Jensen and the dogs pack into Jensen’s car. Jensen spends the whole ride wishing they can have this more often.

*

Jared and Jensen develop a routine over the next few weeks, as they grow closer and Jensen falls harder. Jared often comes over for breakfast when he’s working from home, and always takes Icarus back with him like the first time. And also just like the first time, they always meet up at the park at the end of the day. They also have dinner together often, at either of their places or some restaurant, and have movie nights sometimes. Just the other day they spent the whole Saturday in Chicago, Jensen had gone there a couple of times by himself but it was way better to go with Jared. They hung out at the Millenium Park and took silly pictures in front of The Bean, and Jared convinced him to go up the Willis Tower and even walk out to the Sky Deck. It was terrifying yet beautiful. They also went to the Pier and rode the ferris wheel, having ice cream afterwards. It was an amazing day.

As they spend more and more time together they learn more about each other even though it’s clear Jared hides a big chunk of his life, but Jensen doesn’t mind. He loves what he does know about Jared, and he’s completely gone for the man. Jared is even more amazing now that Jensen is getting to spend more time with him, he’s just perfect and Jensen feels completely at home with him. Jensen doesn’t know much about life but he knows for sure he would love to spend his with Jared. He only hopes Jared feels the same, he doesn’t want to push but he has the feeling sometimes that Jared may want the same thing as him. Jensen just doesn’t want to do anything that might scare Jared away, things are going great right now and Jensen just wants to be patient. But at the same time he asks the heavens for the perfect opportunity.

*

Jensen’s mom calls when he’s on his lunch break.

“Hey mom, what’s up?”

“Hey baby! How are you doing? Is work okay? Have you met nice people there?”

Jensen smiles as he chews his food, swallowing before answering his mother. “It’s going fine, mom. Work is good, and I’ve managed to make some friends.” Jensen almost mentions Jared but he stops himself, he wants to keep the man to himself for now. Jensen knows being reserved is a trait he preserved even with the amnesia. “And I’ve got Icarus as well, so it’s all good.”

They make some small chat, Donna asking when is Jensen coming to visit and he tells his mother he will try to come soon. Then she apparently reaches the real reason for the call.

“Listen, baby. I was doing some cleaning in the attic and I’ve found some old stuff that I had no idea was there, things that haven’t been touched in many years. I found this box that belongs to you.”

Jensen raises his eyebrows. “To me? Really? What’s in it?”

“Well, I haven’t dug around much since it says on the lid, and I quote, ‘Jensen’s. Don’t open. Not even you, Jensen.’” Donna chuckles as she goes on. “I just opened quickly to try and make out what was in there, I think it’s old pictures and some notebooks. I have no idea how old exactly that is but I can tell it’s at least fifteen years old.”

Jensen is intrigued, this obviously belongs to his old self and must contain some sensitive subject since even he himself wanted to stay away from it. But it _is_ a part of him, and Jensen desperately wants to gather more pieces of the puzzle to find out who he is.

“Mom, could you mail that box to me? I think I’d like to take a look at it.”

“Sure baby, I’ll make sure to do that soon so it gets to you in the next few days.”

*

On Saturday Jensen and Jared take the dogs to the park as usual, and Jensen suggests they do something different for dinner.

“Why don’t we have a picnic in my backyard?”

Jared raises his eyebrows in surprise. “A picnic huh?”

“Well, yeah. We could get some stuff at the grocery store, prepare some sandwiches and other stuff and just hang out outside, the weather is good for it. Oh, we could even grab some wood and make a bonfire, we could roast marshmallows and stuff.”

Jared looks pointedly at Jensen, who shrugs feeling a bit embarrassed. “Well, just thought… I don’t remember doing any of this stuff and it seems cool so I just thought ya know. But if you think it’s too lame, I understand.”

Jared’s face morphs into a warm smile. “It’s not lame, I promise. Actually it’s a very cool plan. I love it. I heard s’mores are the real deal.”

Jensen smiles back, already excited about their picnic. After walking back home Jensen drives them so they can go buy everything they need and won’t have to carry the heavy stuff. Once they’re back they spend a while preparing all the food and Jensen loves being this domestic with Jared, just them cooking in their kitchen. It’s awesome.

Jared sets up the bonfire and Jensen arranges everything for their picnic nearby, bringing all the food and drinks, including treats for the dogs. They spend a while eating and talking, and then roast the marshmallow to make s’mores. Jensen has never had those after the amnesia, and he quickly learns he loves them. Eventually Jensen decides they need one more thing to make the night perfect, so he hurries back to the house and grabs his guitar. He sits down in front of Jared and shows it to him.

“I heard it’s a thing at camps to play and sing around a bonfire.”

Jared nods. “Go ahead.”

Jensen plays a few songs, having gotten even better at it, and eventually passes the guitar to Jared. “Your turn?”

Jared grabs it but shakes his head. “No, I probably shouldn’t. You sing way better than I do.”

Jensen waves him off. “Bullshit. You only sang to me that one time, I’d love to hear another song.”

Jared considers it for a few moments, looking down at the guitar, and finally back up at Jensen. “Well… there’s this song I have been practicing for the past few days. It’s a good song but it’s from the Backstreet Boys.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow. “Since I have no idea who those are, I’m not biased.”

Jared chuckles and his fingers start playing the chords. He clears his throat and begins to sing, this time not taking his eyes off Jensen.

_It's not that I can't live without you_   
_It's just that I don't even want to try_   
_Every night I dream about you_   
_Ever since the day we said goodbye_   
_If I wasn't such a fool_   
_Right now I'd be holding you_   
_There's nothin' that I wouldn't do_   
_Baby if I only knew_

_The words to say_   
_The road to take_   
_To find a way back to your heart_   
_What can I do_   
_To get to you_   
_And find a way back to your heart_   
  
_I don't know how it got so crazy_   
_But I'll do anything to set things right_   
_Cuz your love is so amazing_   
_Baby you're the best thing in my life_   
_Let me prove my love is real_   
_And make you feel the way I feel_   
_I promise I would give the world_   
_If only you would tell me girl_

_Give me one more chance, to give my love to you_   
_Cuz no one on this earth loves you like I do_   
_Tell me..._

_The words to say_   
_The road to take_   
_To find a way back to your heart_   
_What can I do_   
_To get to you_   
_And find a way back to your heart_

_I turn back time_   
_To make you mine_   
_And find a way back to your heart_   
_I beg and plead_   
_Fall to my knees_   
_To find a way back to your heart._

Jared finishes the song, playing the last chords and a heavy silence falls between them. Jensen feels completely hypnotized, as if nothing and nobody else exists anymore but Jared and him. Jared is staring back at him just as intensely, and Jensen swears he can see Jared’s soul at that moment. He feels a force pulling him, guiding him, and Jensen decides to follow it.

He grabs the guitar Jared is holding and sets it aside, kneeling right in front of him. Jensen slowly raises a hand and places it on Jared’s face, who leans into it, never taking his eyes off Jensen. He closes the distance and feels the same force pulling Jared to him. Their lips finally meet, first in a chaste kiss. A deep warmth starts spreading all over Jensen’s body and he tentatively licks Jared’s lips. He feels Jared’s hand on his neck, and his lips part in invitation. Jensen licks his way inside and soon the kiss deepens, Jared uncrosses his legs and mirrors Jensen’s position, allowing Jensen to wrap his free arm around Jared’s torso and bringing him closer. Their kiss is not desperate but sweet, Jensen caresses Jared’s face, who just uses both his arms now to hug Jensen closer. Jared tastes amazing, even more than Jensen imagined. He somehow feels familiar, safe, like coming home.

Jensen has no recollection of kissing other guys, but his heart tells him this is the best kiss he has ever had. And that he doesn’t want any other, ever.

When they finally break apart, Jensen keeps his hand on Jared’s face, and as they stare at each other so closely, Jensen can see many emotions pouring out of Jared’s eyes, including a tear rolling down his face. Jensen smiles tenderly and wipes it with a thumb.

“Am I that good? Or bad?” He whispers, and Jared chuckles, shaking his head.

“No, it’s just that I… I mean, I want to say we really shouldn’t do it. The rational part in me is saying we can’t. But I simply can’t _not_ do it.”

Jensen plants a chaste kiss on Jared’s lips. “I don’t see why we shouldn’t. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time and it felt just perfect to me. I just hope you felt it too.”

Jared bits his bottom lip, his cheeks turning a shade of pink. “Perfect doesn’t begin to cover it.”

Jensen smiles and they share more kisses, and eventually both lie down on the blanket they spreaded on the floor so they can watch the stars. They keep silent for a while, not needing to say anything, just holding hands. Jared’s hand feels so good against his, like they fit perfectly.

After a while, Jared turns his head towards Jensen.

“Hey, Jen? I mean, can I call you Jen?”

Jensen looks at him and smiles, feeling even more warm inside. “Only if I can call you Jay.”

Jared just stares at him for a few moments, his eyes shining again. “Of course you can.”

“Okay, so what is it?”

“Do you… Do you think it’s worth it?”

Jensen frowns. “What’s worth it?”

Jared looks up at the sky again. “Living. Do you think living is worth it?”

Jensen’s frown deepens. “What kind of philosophical question is that?”

Jared shakes his head. “It’s not, I promise. It’s just a simple question. Is life worth it?”

“I hope so. I’m here trying to live mine after getting a curve ball thrown at me. I have my doubts sometimes, of course, because it can get hard. But at the end of the day, I’m really beginning to believe it’s totally worth it.”

Jensen brings his joined hands to his lips and plants a kiss to the back of Jared’s, trying to get his point across.

Jared finally looks back at him. “Do you… I mean, do you want to stick around? With--with me, I mean.”

Jensen nods, offering Jared a smile. “I really think I do. You’re really worth it.” Another tear rolls down the side of Jared’s face, and Jensen wipes it again. “What about you? Do you think living is worth it?”

Jared answers after a couple of heartbeats as he stares at Jensen intensely.

“I’m beginning to believe it really is worth a chance.”

*

Jensen wakes up the next morning feeling as if he’s still dreaming. He really hopes the events of last night weren’t a dream. Still in bed, he replays what happened with Jared. It was just perfect, way more than Jensen could have hoped for. After they kissed and had that deep conversation, both men just spent a quiet time together only talking and softly kissing. Jared had left eventually, Jensen had wanted to ask him to stay the night, but he really was trying to take it slow, and didn't want to push too hard too fast.

Jensen hopes Jared is still on the same page, that he’s not freaking out or anything. Jared remains a big mystery to Jensen, and he’s slowly trying to discover what lies behind those beautiful hazel eyes. Jensen debates whether he should call Jared, he wants to see him today. Maybe he should wait some more? He doesn’t want to sound _that_ desperate.

Checking the time on his phone, Jensen realizes it’s a little past 10 am, he doesn’t usually sleep that late but after last night he allowed himself to. As he’s preparing to get up, his phone beeps with a message.

Jensen smiles as he stares at the screen, warmth spreading outwards from his heart, seeing Jared actually seeking out his company. His day just got a hundred times better.

Jensen spends a great day with Jared. They have lunch at an Italian restaurant and then decide to catch a movie. They make out some in the dark theater, and hold hands during the whole thing. Later they return home and get the dogs, taking them to the park. They spend a few hours there and they play some songs on Jensen's guitar. Jensen has a feeling Jared seems sad deep inside, but it may be just his imagination. Jared smiles and talks with Jensen, they share kisses and it’s great. Jensen tries to shake off this feeling.

They return home in the late afternoon, and Jensen asks if Jared is up for pizza and watch the game at his place. Jensen thinks Jared will say no, it’s Sunday night and both work tomorrow, but surprisingly Jared agrees, seems almost eager to it. As if he’s relieved Jensen suggested it, even.

Jared orders pizza as Jensen chooses a movie for them to see, and they snuggle close on the couch to watch it. Halfway through it, after the pizza is all gone, Jensen notices Jared moving next to him. He starts planting kisses on Jensen’s neck, tightening his grip around him. Jensen feels goosebumps on his skin and he turns his face towards Jared.

“Hmm tired of the game already?”

Jared buries his face on Jensen’s neck, sucking on a spot there. “It’s much better to feel you.” Jared lifts his face and looks at Jensen for a moment before closing the distance and capturing his lips in his. It’s almost desperate, and Jensen gets with the program instantly. He frames Jared’s face with both hands and returns the kiss just as passionately. Jared pulls him even closer with an arm around his waist, and they lose themselves in the kiss for a few moments. Jared eventually pulls back and stares at Jensen intensely.

“I need to feel you.”

Jensen returns the stare, caressing Jared’s face with his thumb and swallowing hard. “Do you want to take this to the bedroom?”

Jared doesn’t answer at first, and Jensen can tell he’s nervous. It’s like he’s conflicted, having an inner debate with himself. Jensen can see in Jared’s eyes he’s almos in pain. Jensen brings Jared’s face even closer to his and looks at him even more intensely.

“Jay, what do you want?”

Jared purses his lips.

“I want you. I _really_ want you. But…”

Jensen cuts him off with a kiss. “No buts. If we both want it, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t.”

Jared stares at Jensen for a couple of heartbeats, and then finally nods. Jensen smiles and stands up, offering a hand to Jared. After a second of hesitation he takes it, and Jensen leads him to the bedroom.

As Jensen closes the door behind him he takes a moment to stare at Jared, and it’s his time to feel nervous.

“I… this is weird because I don’t remember doing this before. So I guess it’s safe to say it’s my first time,” he admits.

Jared offers him a comforting smile. “You trust me to do this with?”

Jensen pulls Jared for a kiss, walking him to the bed. “Completely,” he murmurs against Jared’s mouth. He pushes Jared on the bed and falls on top of him, blanketing his body. They take it slow, undressing each other without any rush. Jensen admires Jared’s torso, planting countless kisses on it and sucking his nipples. Jared moans and shivers under Jensen, who can feel himself growing hard already. He takes off Jared’s pants and sees the outline of his cock under his boxers, making his mouth salivate.

Jensen isn’t sure of what to do, but he tries to follow his instincts. He leans down and mouths Jared’s dick through the thin fabric, causing Jared to moan even louder.

Jensen looks up at him. “You like this, Jay?”

Jared nods vigorously. “Ye-yeah.”

Jensen climbs up and captures Jared’s mouth in a hungry kiss. “Tell me what you want Jay. I told you I’m not sure what to do, I lost any of my experience in this.”

Jared frames Jensen’s face with a hand, looking intensely at him. “I want you in me. I need it, please Jen.”

Jensen frowns. “You sure?” Jensen doesn’t even know if he’s a top or bottom. Or both, even.

Jared nods, tightening his hold on Jared’s face. “Yes. Absolutely. I need you, Jensen.”

Jensen is almost taken aback with the intensity of Jared’s stare and words. He nods, and it’s almost painful to separate himself from Jared but he goes to the dresser to get some lube and condoms. Luckily he has those things since well, he wanted to experiment with himself and be prepared if anything happened. He is back on top of Jared in record time, positioning himself between his legs. Jensen knows he must prepare Jared before this so as not to hurt him. He slowly removes Jared’s underwear and his mouth waters as he sees the whole of Jared.

“Oh damn,” he whispers as his gaze travels over Jared’s body.

“Hurry please,” there’s urgency in Jared’s voice, and Jensen can see he’s trying to keep control of his body. So Jensen gets into action, coating his fingers and throwing one of Jared’s legs over his shoulder. He takes his time opening Jared up, first with a finger and then two, three. Jared is getting more and more impatient, so Jensen decides it’s good enough. He removes his own underwear and wipes his fingers on it, and he can see Jared checking him out with an awe expression on his face.

“Like what you see?” He asks, raising an eyebrow.

Jared nods. “Yeah. Get to it please. Get in me, Jen.”

Jensen nods and opens the condom pack, rolling it down his aching dick. He coats it with lube and finally lines himself with Jared’s hole. He holds Jared’s tight close to his chest and looks at him. “Ready?”

Jared nods. “More than anything.”

Jensen sees deep trust in Jared’s eyes, so he starts to slowly breach Jared’s hole. His breathing is erratic and Jensen can see him biting his bottom lip hard.

“Am I hurting you?”

Jared shakes his head. “No. Go deeper, please.”

There’s almost urgency in Jared’s voice, so Jensen complies. He goes on slowly, until he feels himself bottoming out, burying himself completely inside Jared. Jensen gives him a few moments to adjust, and Jared finally nods.

“Move.”

Jensen pulls almost the whole way out and slams back in, again and again, and when he changes the angle slightly, Jared almost screams. Jensen knows it’s Jared’s prostate that caused him a wave of pleasure, and he feels even more turned on. They begin a rhythm with Jensen slamming into Jared, and he takes Jared’s diamond hard cock in one hand, pumping it at the same time as his thrusts. It feels completely _amazing_ , as if Jared’s body was molded only to receive Jensen.

Jensen thrusts into Jared a few more times, and he can see the man is very close. “Don’t come yet, Jay. Hold it.” Jensen holds the base of Jared’s dick and after a few more thrusts he finally comes, releasing his load in the condom. When Jensen is spent he pulls out, holding the condom with a hand. Jared whimpers but Jensen leans down and captures Jared’s dick in his mouth, eliciting another moan from Jared. Jensen licks the head, and slides half of Jared’s dick into his mouth. He needs to practice it more so he can take it all in the future. Jensen sucks him a few times and Jared tries to pull him away but Jensen just looks up and nods. Jared finally comes in Jensen’s mouth, who swallows his whole release. When Jared is done, Jensen lets go of his spent dick and moves up, capturing Jared’s mouth in a sloppy kiss.

Eventually Jensen lies down next to Jared, and they hold each other close, heat radiating off their naked bodies. They stay in silence for a few moments, cooling off and just feeling each other.

“You okay?” Jensen asks, looking intensely at Jared who has an unreadable expression on his face.

Jared nods. “I’m much more than that, you can be sure.”

Jensen smiles. “It wasn’t bad for my first time, either.”

Jared chuckles and they share a few more moments in silence. Eventually Jensen gets up so he can get rid of the condom and grab a washcloth to clear them both. Soon, he joins Jared again, who looks nervous again.

“I should probably go.”

Jensen shakes his head, already feeling tired and sleepy. “Nope. There’s no way you’re leaving this bed tonight.” He plants a sweet kiss to Jared’s lips and pulls the covers over their bodies, pulling Jared closer to him. “Just sleep with me tonight.”

And Jared does.

*

Jensen wakes up on Monday morning feeling happy and sated. He had a wonderful night with Jared and it was just perfect. Jensen is completely, one-hundred percent gone for Jared already. He doesn’t know how, but he’s sure Jared is the one for him, and he doesn’t ever want to let him go.

He stretches his arm but finds the bed empty. Opening his eyes, Jensen can see Jared is nowhere to be seen. Jensen is disappointed, but maybe Jared left because he had to get ready to go to work? Yeah, that must be it. They can catch up later.

A few moments after Jensen gets up, the doorbell rings. He wonders if it’s Jared coming back and hurries to open the door. But he’s met with the mailman handing him a box and making him sign a receipt. Jensen is again disappointed as he gets back inside and inspects the box. He realizes it’s probably the one his mom said she’d be mailing him. Jensen makes himself some coffee and decides to inspect the thing, curiosity taking over him. It’s his past, after all.

He opens the bigger box and finds a shoebox inside, and just as his mom had told him, there are words written on the lid. _Jensen’s. Don’t open. Not even you, Jensen._

Jensen frowns. Why would his old self keep stuff that he didn’t want himself to see again? His curiosity pricked, Jensen finally opens the lid. The first things Jensen finds are a couple of old notebooks. Jensen carefully picks one up and starts to quickly flip the pages. He recognizes his own handwriting since it’s still the same. And he notices this is probably some kind of journal. There are a lot of entries written by Jensen, dating from around sixteen years ago. Jensen’s heart races, he can finally learn some more about himself by reading this.

Something suddenly falls from the notebook on the floor, and Jensen looks over. It looks like a photograph, turned face down. Jensen picks it up and first he reads what’s written on the back.

It’s dated from sixteen years ago, and there are two initials.

_J+J._

Heart beating fast, Jensen slowly turns the picture around and his whole world comes crashing down in a single second.

Jensen stares at his much younger self with an arm wrapped around another boy, lovingly kissing his cheek. The picture is sixteen years old, but there is no mistake. Jensen would recognize those eyes anywhere.

The boy with him in the picture, smiling brightly at the camera, is no other than…

Jared.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What now?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys... so here's the chapter I think a lot of you were waiting for! It will definitely answer some questions, and some of you were on the right path with your theories. What do you think about it? Please share with me, you know I love hearing it!! I hope you enjoy the way I chose to tell the background story.
> 
> And I'm gonna say just one thing:
> 
> Don't forget there are two sides to every story ;)

_**September 5th, 2005** _

_School started again today. Same old, same old I guess. Thank God I’m a senior now, only 9 more months left of this. Can’t wait to graduate so I can go do something else. Dunno if college is going to be any different tho. Maybe it’s because I’m a weirdo. It’s gonna suck even more this year since Riley and Stephen graduated and I’m still stuck in school, now with zero friends. I wish I wasn’t so weird and could actually bring myself to make more friends. But it’s hopeless now, it’s senior year and everyone knows I’m like this._

_I mean, which seventeen year old has never kissed anyone?? The kind who is in the closet and nobody can ever find out, that’s who. I suck. It would be cool to be myself with someone._

_June can’t come soon enough._

_**September 6th, 2005** _

_There’s a new dude at school. I know he’s new bc I would definitely remember him. Not sure if he’s a sophomore or a junior. Must suck to be the new kid at this point. Not that it’s any easier to be the old kid either, in my case. But he looks cute. Only saw him from afar tho. He’s tall, has dark shaggy hair. The way he looks, he will be Mr. Prom King in 2 years. I bet he will be dating a cheerleader in a month. Maybe make it to the basketball team or sth. Yep, people love fresh meat._

_**September 7th, 2005** _

_Something weird happened today. Was having lunch by myself as usual, and the new dude came over, asked if he could sit with me. Had to ask why, and he said all tables were occupied with already existing groups. He said school even looked like it came straight out of the Mean Girls movie. I would never admit to anyone having watched it, but the dude obviously did. I couldn’t help but snort, and he took it as an invitation to sit down. I was nervous, but he introduced himself._

_His name is Jared. And I told him I’m Jensen. We didn’t speak much after that, we ate our lunch together but surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward. But I’m sure this won’t happen again. Jared is gonna make new, more interesting friends soon and he will forget about me in no time. It’s cool tho, I’ll be a wallflower as usual._

_Jared has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen._

_**September 8th, 2005** _

_Shocking, but Jared sat with me at lunch again. We talked some more and he’s cool. I can see he’s a bit shy, like I am. Probably not as reserved. Still not getting my hopes up since he may change his mind soon, learn I’m not that interesting._

_**September 9th, 2005** _

_Had lunch with Jared again. We talked some more, learned a bit more about each other. His younger sister is in the same junior high as Mack, same year too. Maybe they’re in the same class, which would be kinda cool. We learned we live around the same area, Jared’s house a bit further down the street from mine._

_**September 12th, 2005** _

_It’s Monday which means I got to see Jared again after the weekend. I usually love weekends so I can be away from school, but I’m gonna admit it, I missed talking to Jared a bit. Today at lunch he confessed his family has money, his father has a lot of influence. They moved to Richardson since his father has a lot of new businesses in the Dallas area to take care of. It may be just an impression but Jared didn’t seem too happy talking about it._

_**September 13th, 2005** _

_Jared asked how I get to and from school. I said I walk, since I don’t have a car yet and it’s not far. He asked if he could keep me company. His family’s driver always takes him to school and picks him up, but he confessed he feels like a toddler when he does that. I found it weird, why would someone prefer walking over getting a ride? But I said it was okay. It would actually be cool to have company even though I still think this may not last. Jared will probably get tired of me soon, when the newness wears off. He will end up realizing it’s much more comfortable to be driven instead of walking. Still not sure how he hasn’t grown tired of me yet. He asked for my address and said tomorrow he’ll stop by so we can walk together._

_**September 14th, 2005** _

_As promised, Jared was waiting for me as I got out the door. We had a good time walking together, chatting a bit. We had lunch again and then walked home together as well. It was a good day and I’m afraid to wish for it to last._

_**September 21st, 2005** _

_Still hanging out with Jared, he still hasn’t grown tired of walking to and from school with me. We talk a lot, about everything, and he’s pretty great. Makes me actually look forward to going to school._

_**September 23rd, 2005** _

_For the first time I was actually sad about it being Friday, since it would be 2 whole days without seeing and talking to Jared, but he surprised me as we arrived at my place after school. He asked if I have a cellphone, and when I told him I do, he asked if he could have my number so we could talk during the weekend. It was almost as if he was having the same fear as me. So we exchanged numbers and now I have his contact saved in my phone. Which is pretty cool._

_**September 25th, 2005** _

_Jared and I talked a lot during the weekend. We exchanged a few texts and he called me once. We spent almost two hours talking. I should seriously get unlimited texts so we could talk more. He’s pretty cool._

_**September 29th, 2005** _

_Jared and I went bowling today after school. We started talking about it during lunch and I mentioned I haven’t gone bowling in years, and he asked if I’d like to go. I was wary at first but said yes. I’m glad I did, it was awesome. He beat me, I knew he would, but not by much. He just said I need some practice and we should go a few more times so I can kick his ass._

_**October 8th, 2005** _

_It’s Saturday, and Jared has invited me over to play some video games. He had said he owns the new Playstation and I was dying to play. His folks are out of town for the weekend, so it was just us and also his sister. She’s kind of a brat like Mack but she’s nice. I learned they indeed met at school and even became friends. His house is huge, I was kinda intimidated but Jared brushed it off. Thank god he’s not one of those stuck-up rich brats. We played for hours on a huge screen, it was awesome. Jared ordered pizza for us, he also likes the meat lovers pizza. It was a great day._

_**October 15th, 2005** _

_Today it was my turn to have Jared over. Mom said it was okay, even made snacks for us. We hung out in my room, and Jared saw my guitar in the corner. Asked if I played, I said I did. He said he’d love to learn, and I offered to teach him if he wanted. He was very happy with the idea so we started with the lessons. We only did it once so far but Jared isn’t so bad. I like teaching him and it’s another excuse to hang out with him outside school. Still hoping he doesn’t grow tired of me._

_**November 23rd, 2005** _

_I love hanging out with Jared, more and more. We’ve been growing closer each passing day, he often comes over and sometimes I go over to his place. I’m afraid I may be… in love with him. That would really suck, I’m sure he’s not gay. He has never given any indication that he might be. I’m sure sometime soon he’s gonna show up dating some chick, and it’s gonna suck even more. And even if Jared was gay by any chance, what would he want with a weirdo like me? Some seventeen year old dude who hasn’t even kissed anyone, ever? It’s ridiculous. It’s okay tho. I love being his friend, he’s awesome. He never needs to know._

_**December 26th, 2005** _

_Can’t wait for holidays to be over so I can see Jared again. He’s in San Antonio spending time with his grandparents, and we’ve been texting and speaking on the phone but it’s not the same. I miss him. Mom and dad gave me the Harry Potter books for Christmas. Thought it was kinda lame at first, but I had nothing better to do so I started reading Sorcerer’s Stone and now I can’t stop. Can’t want to tell Jared about it. There are movies too, maybe we can watch them together._

_**January 3rd, 2006** _

_Jared is finally back, and he came over today. I gave him a game for his Playstation as a late Christmas present, and he gave me a Gameboy. I didn’t want to take it at first, since those things are kinda expensive, but Jared made me. Said he wanted for me to have it, so I took it. I love it, can’t wait to play with it. I told Jared about the Harry Potter books and how I’m loving them. I already started reading Chamber of Secrets, but he thought it’s childish. Maybe I can convince him to give it a read sometime._

_I also made french toasts for us. I had mentioned a while ago that my mom taught me how, and that I really love it, and he made me promise I’d make some for him. It was just us today and I felt I wanted to finally make them. For him. Jared devoured them, but after having one he saw the bottle of maple syrup on the counter and took it, pouring it over another piece. I wasn’t sure about it at first, never tried them like this, but Jared just said that it couldn’t be bad. And he was right. He said it was one of the best things he has ever eaten and yea, it made me proud. He made me promise I’ll make more of them for him again. Of course I will._

_**January 15th, 2006** _

_I don’t want June to come too fast anymore. I just want to hang out with Jared as much as I can, he makes me happy. I’m gonna graduate this year and I’m afraid I won’t see him again since I’m gonna go to college. He has said we’re gonna keep in touch, but it’s not gonna be the same. It pains me to think that I won’t be seeing Jared everyday anymore. I wish I could keep him with me forever, never let him go._

_Goddamn, I love him so much. I’m so fucked._

_**January 29th, 2006** _

_Today was intense to say the least. It started out horrible because a few jocks started mocking me, calling me a fag for no reason. Perhaps they were bored or something. I tried not to care and ignore them, but Jared showed up at that moment and saw it. I was ashamed of it, I never told him I’m gay and didn’t know how he would react. I bolted from the school before it was over and came straight home. Didn’t know how I would face Jared again, I wouldn’t be able to stomach seeing disgust in his face. I never wanted to tell him, I was fine with being his friend. I just don't want for things to be different between us._

_But Jared showed up after school. I didn’t answer the door at first, but he messaged me asking to please open. So I did. We came to my room and he asked me if it was true, if I’m really gay. I decided to be honest, didn’t want to lie to Jared anymore even if it meant losing his friendship. But Jared deserved the truth. I didn’t look at him when I answered tho. I was afraid to see disgust on his face. But he came closer and placed a hand on my shoulder. I was finally able to look up and he was smiling at me. He said it was okay, there’s nothing wrong with it. I was so absurdly relieved I may have teared up. I told him not even my parents know and I don’t want them too. Jared said my secret is safe with him, and gave me a hug._

_Jared is the best person on the planet._

_**February 14th, 2006** _

_Today was the best day of my entire existence. Jared asked if I was up to grab some burgers and go to the park after school, and yeah of course I agreed, I’ll take any excuse to spend time with Jared. We stopped by Wendy’s and headed to the park, chose a more secluded area and sat behind a tree, where nearly nobody could see us. We had our burgers, and once we were finished I noticed Jared seemed nervous. I asked him what was up and he spent some time being just quiet, perhaps he was trying to decide something. Then he reached into his backpack and took a card out. I could see him taking a couple of deep breaths before giving it to me._

_When I took it out of the envelope and looked at it, I saw a heart in the front of it. My heart already sped up, and when I opened it there were a few words, in Jared’s handwriting._

_It said, “Jen, would you be my Valentine?”_

_I don’t know how my heart didn’t jump out of my chest. I glanced at Jared and he was red as a tomato, just looking at me, and he was trembling. It was hard even to open my mouth and say something, but I asked him if he was serious. He nodded and said that yes, he was. Said he really likes me but wasn’t sure if I reciprocated it, he wasn’t even sure I was gay, only had suspicions, until couple of weeks ago. He has been debating whether or not he should give it a try, since he was too afraid to risk it._

_He started rambling and I finally decided to take a chance, caution be damned. I surged forward and kissed him. It was just chaste and it was over too fast, but it was already the best thing I had ever had. Jared was surprised for a few seconds but then leaned forward and kissed me back. We deepened the kiss just a bit, and it was beyond perfect. My first kiss ever, and with Jared. He asked me if that was a ‘yes’, and I told him, definitely. I guess we are kinda boyfriends now._

_This is truly the best day of my life. It’s Valentine’s day and Jared is my boyfriend. The boy of my dreams also wants me and I’m dating him. I can’t believe how lucky I am._

_**March 1st, 2006** _

_It’s my birthday and it’s hands down the best birthday of my life. Jared and I skipped the second half of school and spent the day together, of course I didn’t tell my folks about it and neither did he. We went to the mall close to school and had lunch at a steakhouse there. Jared insisted on paying since it’s my birthday, I tried to pay for myself but he refused. Then we saw a movie at the theater and we sat in the back row, we held hands the whole time and even kissed a bit, thankfully it was not too full. Later we went to the park, and sat by our tree. Jared gave me a birthday present, a nice cologne from Jean Paul Gaultier. I said it was too much, he had already paid for lunch, but he gave me those puppy dog eyes of his that he knows I can’t resist. He said he has a good allowance and should spend it on things and people that matter. It really touched me. The cologne smells like heaven, I put some on to try it and Jared said he loves it. I told him I’m gonna wear it everytime we go out since he likes it so much. I kissed him for a long time as a thank you and well, because I can. He also gave me some photos he had developed, we took some pictures the other day at the park and they were so beautiful. I love all of them, and Jared wrote the date and our initials behind each one. I’ll keep them forever._

_For the first time, I gathered courage and told Jared I love him. I was terrified. He smiled and said he loves me back._

_I’m the happiest guy in the world._

_**April 9th, 2006** _

_It sucks having to hide from everyone that Jared and I are together. I wish I could walk with him hand in hand, kiss him whenever I want. We have to pretend to everyone we’re just close friends and nothing else. I don’t want to tell my parents, I don’t know what their reaction would be to finding out I’m gay. I know they’re not open-minded people, and this is fucking Texas after all. I’m afraid they could even kick me out or something, it’s too risky. Jared says he also can’t tell his family about it either, it’s better this way. I keep thinking that once I move away to go to college it could be better but at the same time I’m dreading it because it means being away from Jared. I don’t even like to talk about it, but we only have 2 more months of school and a couple more before I move away to go to college. I’m going to UT Dallas, it’s not like I’m moving to another state or anything, I’ll still be close but of course it won’t be the same. We started writing letters to each other, we know it’s old fashioned but we both like to write and express our feelings this way. Plus, it’s much more personal than writing an email. Also it’s easier to talk about stuff like this rather than in person, that’s how I talked about my fear of being away from him. Jared has said we’re gonna figure it out, and he admitted he’s afraid I’m gonna meet someone new at college. I told him I could never love anyone as much as I love him._

_I wrote Jared that he is my whole world and I hope this never changes._

_**April 29th, 2006** _

_It’s hard to explain how I’m feeling today. My folks are out of town for the weekend and Mack is at a sleepover, so Jared came over._

_We had sex for the first time. Am I too sap if I say we made love? Because that’s how it felt, it felt like making love. We weren’t sure what we were doing, since it was the first time for both of us. I was so fucking nervous, and I could feel he was too. We asked each other a hundred times if we were sure about it, but I knew I was more than. Not only because it was time, but because it would be with Jared. I felt completely safe with him. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be top or bottom, or what he wanted. He said that, for our first time, he wanted to bottom for me, wanted to feel me inside of him. Maybe for our second time we could switch so each of us could try both positions, and I agreed. I tried to make it as romantic as possible, taking my time with Jared and giving him all the pleasure in the world. I started masturbating him and tried to give him a blow job. It was weird at first but I liked it. I let him know he could come in my mouth and he did. Talk about a different experience. Not bad tho, I’m sure I can get used to it. Then I took my time opening him up, I knew I had to do it properly in order not to hurt him especially being his first time getting a dick shoved in his ass._

_Getting inside Jared was beyond marvelous. He felt so tight around me, I wish I could feel him without the condom between us, maybe someday. I knew I was hurting him, and was trying to be gentle. I kissed him hoping he would focus on something other than the pain. I bottomed out and stayed locked in place inside him, both of us staring at each other as he got used to me. He finally gave me the okay to move and I did, pulling out and pushing in again, and I could see Jared was starting to feel pleasure. I changed the angle and hit his prostate I think, because he suddenly screamed with pleasure. I was very pleased with myself. When I finally came, it felt like heaven._

_We stayed in place for a long time, and when I finally pulled out of him, it almost physically pained me. It felt like being separated from my other half. Later we took showers and hung out together, ordered pizza. Jared had to go home because of his curfew and it was sad seeing him leaving. I can’t even write how amazing my first time was, but I’m gonna write Jared a letter after I finish here, to maybe try and put down in words what this meant to me. I’m so thankful I decided to wait to have sex, that I didn’t to it with just any guy._

_I’m gonna write to Jared that he was my first everything, first love, first kiss, first time. And all I hope is that he will be my last._

_**May 7th, 2006** _

_Jared and I had sex again, his father is in Dallas for work and his mom is out with some friends or whatever. His sister was at home but we locked ourselves in his bedroom and tried to be quiet. This time I bottomed for Jared, and it was amazing as well. He reciprocated the head I gave him last week and I absolutely loved it. Feeling Jared’s velvety mouth around me was heavenly. But I get the feeling I like to top a bit more, and Jared confessed he felt more pleasure when I was inside him. So I guess that will probably be the default for us, but of course we can switch things up occasionally. All that I want is to be intimate with Jared, it feels amazing, pure, like we fit completely. Like we were made exactly for each other. I guess maybe we were._

_Once we were done, I gave Jared a ring. It was not expensive or anything, just a silver plain thing I got at the mall the other day. I wanted to give him something to symbolize us, I got one for him and another for myself, and since we won’t be able to wear it on our fingers for now, I got us both chains so we can wear the rings around our necks, hidden underneath our clothes. I had the words Love, J engraved on both of them, and offered one to Jared, asking if he accepted it because he’s very special to me. I could see he was emotional as he took it and read the inscription, and accepted it right away. I put it around his neck, and he did the same with mine. It’s a promise to both of us._

_**May 18th, 2006** _

_Things are different. I don’t know how to explain, but they are. Jared is different with me. And I’m terrified. I asked him what was going on and he brushed it off, saying I was imagining things. But I know him by now, we’ve been living in each other’s pockets for months now, I can safely say I know him and something is up. I don’t know if it’s because school is almost over and I’ll be gone after summer is over, and maybe Jared is realizing it’s not worth it to keep up with this. I wanted to write him a letter but I’m also afraid he’s gonna tell me the truth in one of those and it’s gonna be worse._

_**May 29th, 2006** _

_It’s definitely not okay. It’s the furthest from okay it could possibly get. Jared is outright avoiding me. He’s not even having lunch at the cafeteria anymore, always claiming he needs to go to the library, or any other excuse he can come up with. He doesn’t answer my calls or replies to my texts, and he’s back to riding home with his driver without an explanation. He didn’t come over last weekend and didn’t ask if I wanted to go to his place as usual. Jared is almost pretending not to know me and I have no idea why. Has he grown tired of me and doesn’t know how to say it? I wanted to confront him but I’m scared shitless to hear the truth. I’m fucking terrified and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if Jared is still wearing the ring, but I’m also terrified of learning the truth about that._

_I don’t know what to do, I can’t lose Jared. What am I gonna do without him?_

_**June 1st, 2006** _

_~~I--~~ _

_**June 2nd, 2006** _

_~~It’s--~~ _

_~~~~**June 3rd, 2006** _

_~~I can’t~~ _

_~~~~**June 10th, 2006** _

_It feels as if someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped over it, again and again, until it shattered into pieces. I feel hollow, as if my heart isn’t in me anymore. I don’t even know how to talk about it, it’s been 10 days and I still don’t know how to._

_Jared cheated on me. Why would he do this?_

_I just can’t._

_**June 14th, 2006** _

_He literally showed up at the cafeteria holding hands with a girl. A random faceless girl and he was holding her hand and smiling at her. He didn’t even fucking look at me, he walked past our table where I was sitting at, alone, pathetic, and he sat on another table with her. He held her face in his hand and KISSED her. In the middle of the fucking cafeteria where everyone would see. He knew I was there, knew I would see it and he kissed her as if I didn’t exist. As if I meant nothing to him._

_I clearly don’t._

_I even humiliated myself going after him in between periods and managed to find him alone by his locker. I asked him why he would do that to me. Jared didn’t even have the decency to look at me. He kept organizing his damn books while he told me he realized we weren’t meant to be, it was better this way. I asked him if all of that had been a lie, I was trying my damn best not to bawl my eyes out in front of him because I was already humiliating myself enough. He only closed his locker and said, ‘I’m sorry, it’s better this way’. Without FUCKING LOOKING AT ME. And then he walked away. Just like that. He crushed my heart, ripped into pieces, destroyed me in one single moment and just said he was fucking sorry and that it was better this way? Better for whom? Why wouldn’t he at least have the decency to break up with me first, talk to me? No he just started ignoring me and suddenly showed up with some random chick. That’s how much of a coward he was._

_I haven’t seen him ever since. He hasn’t shown up to school anymore and I have no idea where he is. At least school will be over in a few days and hopefully I’ll manage to move to Dallas before college starts, anything to get the fuck away from this. I should throw away everything that reminds me of him but I can’t. I’m that pathetic._

_I love Jared more than anything and anyone and he destroyed me. I have no idea what I’m going to do now and I don’t even know if I’ll ever love anyone as much._

_Why, Jared?_

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here’s a much expected chapter I’m sure. For me as well! When I was planning this fic in my head, I had a few major twists to it, to make everything make sense in a story that started so innocent, with Jensen moving into another town for a fresh start and meeting a guy. The first twist was actually not that much of a surprise, since I gave several hints that the boys might have a past together, a lot of you guessed correctly. But then came the question, *how* did they know each other, and *when*? I gave you guys part of the background story last chapter but there are still a LOT of unanswered questions. I love seeing your theories, and I’m proud of myself to say that none of you mentioned the real thing that I came up with. I still got it! So in this chapter I’m gonna give you one more plot twist, but this time unlike the first, it’s something I believe none of you saw coming. And I wanted to keep it as a total secret so the twist has full effect. I truly hope you guys enjoy it, this is just the tip and there is a lot more yet to be revealed. I’m excited and please, just as you guys have been doing, if you can spare me some time to let me know what you think, specially your theories after this new information!
> 
> So hold tight for this one!

_**Jensen** _

That’s the last entry in the journal, and Jensen slowly closes it. There are so many things going inside his mind right now his head hurts. He has read all of this and yet he can’t believe this can be real, that this is actually happening. In one second Jared is this cute guy who turned out to be his neighbor, and whom he got close to. A mysterious guy who caught Jensen’s attention and made him want to get to know the stranger better. Jensen was drawn to Jared from the first moment, he felt something different towards him and couldn't explain what or why. Jensen’s heart recognized Jared immediately. Until a moment ago Jared was this guy Jensen had already fallen for, and who finally had decided to give Jensen a chance. Up until a few moments ago Jensen was _happy_. Happy for finding someone worth it, someone who made Jensen want to go on, want to live, to move forward. Jared was just perfect.

And now everything is crashing down all around Jensen, and everything has been a lie. Jared _knows_ Jensen, he was Jensen’s fucking _boyfriend_ , a boyfriend who cheated on him without any forewarning, who destroyed his heart. Jensen can feel his own despair in those pages, he can feel deep within how much he hurt. How he felt like dying more than once, for losing the most important thing in his world. Jensen can feel now how Jared was his everything, and how he crushed Jensen completely.

Jensen finds strength to go through the box, he finds another couple of journals but going through them, he realizes they’re older, from before Jensen met Jared. Jensen much likely stopped writing altogether after that last entry, after what Jared did to him. He also finds other pictures, the ones he mentioned in the journal. They’re all pictures of them together at the park on a sunny day. They look so happy, so carefree, so _in love_. They’re smiling, Jared has his arm around Jensen in some pictures, and he is looking at Jensen as if he matters to him. What fucking changed? Or was he just pretending all along?

Jensen looks through the rest of the stuff and he finds the gameboy he mentioned Jared giving him for his birthday. Under it, there is an envelope. Jensen opens it and takes out the card he mentioned Jared giving him. He opens it with trembling hands and reads the words there, in Jared’s handwriting.

_Jen, would you be my valentine?_

Jensen stares at it for a few moments, then shoves the card back in the envelope and throws it on the bed. Next in the box are a few folded paper sheets. Jensen trembly takes one, and as he opens it, he closes it again immediately. It’s clearly one of the letters Jared wrote him, since he mentioned them exchanging letters. Jensen just can’t read them. He knows it’s gonna hurt too much, he can’t. Moving his hand over the letters, Jensen feels a lump. He moves the letters away and his heart sinks some more.

Holding the chain with his thumb and forefinger, Jensen lifts the ring that served as a promise of their love. The ring that meant nothing to Jared while it meant everything to Jensen. Tears finally fall from Jensen’s eyes as he holds the ring tight in his hand. He has no memory of his old life, but he can feel clear as day, how deeply Jared hurt him, how he loved that boy with all his heart. Reading his own words, it’s like a door opened inside of Jensen. He may not remember with his mind, but his heart does. It remembers every single feeling, each part it was broken into.

Jensen sobs, letting all his anguish out, trying to understand the reason for a lot of things. Why Jared did this to him, and most of all, why did Jared lie to him now. How come, of all places, did Jared end up moving right next door to Jensen? It can’t be the biggest coincidence on the planet, can it? Jared knew who Jensen was from day one and he hid the truth from him. Why didn’t he tell Jensen from the get go that they go way back. And more, how he destroyed Jensen’s whole being without a care in the world? How come Jared let things get this far? Did he believe Jensen would never figure out?

And now that Jensen thinks about it… Didn’t Jared think Jensen would recognize him? Did Jared already _know_ Jensen had lost his memories and therefore didn’t remember meeting him? It’s the only plausible explanation since when they first met, Jared acted as if they were strangers, and if Jensen remembers correctly, he was even surprised to see Jensen. Does that mean Jared _didn’t_ know Jensen was living here too?

Nothing makes any sense, and there are a million questions running through Jensen’s mind right now. Suddenly he feels sick, so he quickly throws everything on the bed and runs to his bathroom, losing the entire content of his stomach. He vomits until nothing more comes out, then collapses on the floor next to the toilet. There are tears still running down Jensen’s cheeks, mixed with sweat from the effort. He feels devastated, like the ground has opened below him for a second time after learning the devastating news he had lost all his memories.

Perhaps that’s for the best, sometimes. There are some things that should stay buried forever. Sometimes oblivion is a blessing.

Jensen eventually gets up from the floor and washes his face, brushes his teeth. Slowly he walks back to the bedroom and as he walks past his dresser, he sees his bottle of cologne on it.

He instantly knows it’s the same one Jared gave him. Not the actual bottle, but Jensen kept using this same scent over the years. His mom told him that as she was helping him reconnect with his old self. Even though it hurt so deeply, Jensen kept wearing the same cologne Jared once gave him.

Without thinking, Jensen grabs the bottle and using all his strength he throws it out the window, where it smashes against the fence. Jensen falls on the bed and pinches his eyes with his forehead and thumb, yet more tears falling down his face.

“Why did you do this to me, Jared?”

*

Jensen wants to talk to Jared immediately, he tries to go over to his place but nobody answers the door, Jared must have gone to work already, he can only hear Sadie barking somewhere in the backyard. Jensen is so blind with fury he wants to take his car and drive all the way to Chicago to talk to Jared right away, demand an explanation. But sadly he has no idea where Jared actually works at and messaging him asking this is out of the question. What would he say? _Hey Jared, can you please tell me where you work at, so I can come over and make you explain to me why you cheated on me when we were teens and lied about it when we met again?_

Yeah, not a good idea. Also, Jensen doesn’t want to make a scene, plus there’s no way they can do this over the phone, so his only option is waiting for Jared to arrive home. Jensen goes back home and takes a shower, getting ready to go to work. He has no idea how he’s gonna manage to concentrate at work today, but he’s gonna have to figure it out. He feels empty inside, even more than he already did when he woke up without all his memories, now it feels like his heart is missing. He thought he had found the man of his dreams only to find out it was all a big fat lie.

Jensen wonders if Jared is laughing at him now. He probably is. Maybe he made a bet with his friend once he learned Jensen lost his memories. _Wanna bet I can make that fool fall in love with me again?_

The worst thing is, he succeeded. Jensen fell in love with Jared without the man making any effort at all. Jensen is that pathetic and ridiculous.

Jared is definitely laughing at him.

*

As it turns out, Jensen can’t do any work today. He tries to, he really does, he doesn’t want to disappoint Chris. But halfway through his shift, Chris corners him once a client leaves.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you today?”

Jensen shakes his head. “It’s nothing Chris, sorry. I promise I’ll focus better now, don’t worry about it.”

Chris gives him a sympathetic look. “It has something to do with that boy of yours?”

Jensen has briefly told Chris and Steve about Jared, how they were hanging out and it may turn into something more. Now it stings Jensen’s heart to hear Chris referring to Jared as “that boy of yours.” Jared was never Jensen’s to begin with.

Jensen nods shortly. “Yep. But I don’t want to talk about it.”

Chris nods back and studies him for a few moments. Then he sends Jensen home for the day since he’s clearly not feeling well. Jensen tries to protest but Chris cuts him off and says it’s an order. So Jensen leaves and considers stopping by the coffee shop for some coffee and maybe a sandwich, but he doesn’t want to face Danneel, she’ll definitely pick up on his mood and make him talk, and Jensen can’t deal with one more person wanting to know what’s wrong. So Jensen goes straight home and makes himself a sandwich. As he picks at his food, a message pops up. He picks up the phone and realizes it’s from Jared.

Jensen is torn, he doesn’t know if he wants to see it, even seeing Jared’s name on the screen hurts. Everything is so different now. Breathing deeply a few times, Jensen finally unlocks the phone and reads the message.

Jensen resists the urge to smash the phone against the wall, the only thing that makes him not do it is the rational part of him saying that he will have to buy another one and he doesn’t want to do that. He holds the phone tightly in his hand, breathing a few more times to calm himself down. _Don’t do this over the phone_.

Jensen gathers enough composure to type a single word to Jared.

Jensen turns off the phone and throws it on the couch, then he calls Icarus and announces they’re going for a walk. Jensen needs to get out otherwise he will go insane waiting to talk to Jared.

Jensen leaves with Icarus and walks aimlessly for a while. He doesn’t go to the park, he can’t. There are too many memories there, that is Jared and Jensen’s place, another piece of the lie, and Jensen just can’t stomach it.

As he walks his mind wanders, and he thinks about Jared. How ironic is that, even if Jensen doesn’t remember him, he _knows_ how he felt about him. As if seeing the contents of that box, reading his journal, opened a gate to the past inside Jensen.

Jensen knows now he has never loved anyone else as much as he loved Jared, his heart tells him this. He can feel it. Jared was Jensen’s first and only true love. Jensen is sure there were probably others but nobody ever came even close to what he always felt about Jared. It’s a feeling that goes beyond an erased memory. Jensen can feel it etched deep inside his soul.

Even though Jared broke him completely, it has always been him for Jensen, and nobody else.

How come we can’t stop loving someone even if that person hurt us deeply? Jensen doesn’t get it. And Jared hurt him yet again by not telling the truth, he had no right. Jensen deserved to know the truth, but instead Jared fooled him a second time.

And yet, Jensen still loves him because he’s _that_ pathetic.

*

Time seems to drag on until it’s time to go see Jared. Jensen is anxious but at the same time he’s dreading it, he has no idea how that will go down. He has been so angry all day, at the same time he’s eager to get this over with, Jensen wishes he could hide forever and never see Jared’s lying face again.

Eventually Jensen walks by the side window in his living room and sees there’s light coming from Jared’s place, he’s home. Jensen’s heart starts beating fast, Jared is right next door to him and it’s showtime. Anger starts bubbling up in his veins again, so he rushes to his bedroom and snatches the picture of them both that’s on the bed, then he quickly leaves the house, leaving a very confused Icarus behind, and walks the few steps towards Jared’s house. He stops in front of the door and doesn’t do anything for a few moments, just stares at it. The one and only reason for his heartbreak is behind that door, so Jensen takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell twice.

Jensen taps his foot on the floor impatiently, not even Sadie barking excitedly on the other side of the door is enough to calm Jensen down at least a bit. Finally the door opens and Jensen finally finds himself facing Jared. A million emotions go around inside him as he looks at those eyes, and he almost feels dizzy as they all slam into each other, battling to see which one is more important.

Jared offers a small smile, not yet picking up on Jensen’s deteriorating mood. And if Jensen weren’t so stressed out, he would have noticed Jared is nervous himself. “Hey Jen, thanks for coming… come on in.” Jensen quickly walks past Jared, who closes the door and turns to him. “Thanks for coming, there’s some stuff I need to talk to you about, I…”

Jensen doesn’t let Jared finish, but holds up a hand showing Jared the picture he’s holding. “Can you please start by explaining how come you forgot to mention that we go way back?”

Jared’s shock is so huge his eyes widen, he brings a hand to his mouth and all color drains from his face.

“Oh God.”

“Why Jared? You knew who I was, we were never strangers, and yet you hid this all from me?? Why??”

Jensen stares at Jared, expectantly, but the man only stares at Jensen in shock, obviously trying to gather his composure.

“Jensen… I didn’t mean, I…”

Jensen feels so enraged hearing Jared’s voice, he doesn’t let him speak any further. “God Jared, what the hell were you thinking?? Were you laughing behind my back? You thought it would be funny to toy with me again? Like you did in the past? Pretend to be interested in me only to break me later is that it?”

Jared’s eyes widen again and he shakes his head. “No! Of course not Jensen I would never do that, I…”

“God, I was so fucking _stupid_!” Jensen starts pacing around the room, eyes focusing on anything but Jared. “I saw you and I was so enchanted by you, I wanted to get to know you better. I didn’t know why I felt that way but now I do. It’s because we knew each other all along. And you fucking _let me_. You had the nerve to look at my damn face and pretend we were just meeting! You lied to me Jared, you fooled me and I fell for it. _Again_.”

“Jensen…” Jared’s voice wavers, and Jensen risks a glance at him. He realizes Jared’s eyes are wet, but right now Jensen doesn’t care. He interrupts Jared again.

“Answer me, Jared.” Jensen takes a step forward, pointing a finger at Jared and probably looking menacing. “When you moved next door to me, did you already know I was living here?”

There’s silence for a few moments, Jensen stares at Jared, and he can see him swallowing hard, his eyes moving rapidly as he stares at Jensen. He opens his mouth and stutters.

“I-I--”

“ANSWER ME, JARED!” Jensen screams at Jared’s face, who takes a step back. After a couple of heartbeats, Jared finally slowly nods, still staring at Jensen, not saying a word but confirming what Jensen just asked.

Blind anger boils under Jensen’s skin at the revelation, so he closes the distance between them and grabs Jared’s shirt in a fist, bringing his face close to his own.

“You knew I was here and you made sure to move next door to me? Why Jared? Why the fuck would you do such a thing? To torment me even more than I already was? Did…” Jensen stares deeply into Jared’s eyes through half closed eyelids. “Did you already know I had lost my memories?”

Jared doesn’t answer in any way, just stares back at Jensen as intensely, and what he sees in Jared’s eyes is answer enough. Jensen uses his hand on Jared’s shirt to shove him away, and it’s apparently harder than Jensen had calculated since Jared loses his balance and stumbles backwards, hitting the couch with the back of his legs and falls on it, bumping his head on the headrest. Jared blinks a few times and shakes his head, seems suddenly dizzy, but again Jensen doesn’t care, he can only see red.

“You knew everything Jared! You knew I was here, you knew I had fucking amnesia and you lied to me! You let me tell you my story, you listened to it as if it was your first time hearing it and yet, you knew everything. You allowed me to open up to you and make a complete fool of myself. What the fuck is wrong with you? What was your plan? Since I didn’t know who you were and that we had met before, you were gonna make me fall for you all over again so you could smash my heart into pieces like you did the first time? You wanted to seduce the dumb guy again to see if you could do it a second time? What was it, a bet? Have I always been a fucking bet to you Jared?”

Jared looks up at Jensen from where he’s still sitting on the couch and shakes his head, giving Jensen a pleading look.

“No! It’s not like that Jensen, I promise I…”

Jensen holds up a hand. “No! I don’t want to hear anything that comes out of your mouth! I don’t want anything to do with you ever again! But I want you to know you’ve reached your goal. Congratulations, you made the idiot here fall for you again. And you managed to break my heart a second time. You have any idea what it meant for me back then to have someone like you interested in becoming my friend? I was so weird and shy and there you were, breaking into my life. And then after everything that happened between us, after you smashed my walls and made me fall completely in love with you, I had to watch you parading around with a faceless chick for the whole school to see. You showed her off in front of me without any care in the world. I’m glad I lost my memories so I don’t remember the damage this did to me. Seriously, congratulations Jared. You won the bet. I must have been a hell of a joke to you.”

“Jensen no, you don’t understand, I…” Jared’s lips are quivering, tears stream down his face and he attempts to get up from the couch but fails, but Jensen’s brain doesn’t register any of it. Instead he only throws the picture he was still holding in his fist at Jared, wishing it was heavier so it would hurt him like he hurt Jensen. When Jensen speaks his last words his voice is low and tired, just like himself is feeling.

“Fuck you, Jared.”

Without looking at Jared any further, Jensen storms out of the house slamming the door on Jared's quiet sobs.

*

Jensen arrives home and goes straight to the liquor cabinet. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and drinks a good amount of it straight out of it. He knows this isn’t the way to handle this, but he needs something to at least temporarily numb the immense pain he’s feeling. In only a day, his whole world collapsed. Everything he believed to be real turned out to be a lie. The small new reality he was building for himself crashed down, and Jensen just feels empty. Not only is Jared his ex-boyfriend who cheated on him without a single explanation, he deliberately moved next door to Jensen knowing he had lost his memory for some reason. Why would Jared do this? What were his intentions? He didn’t even want to get to know Jensen at first. Was it all a plan to make Jared even more irresistible to Jensen? What was Jared going to do, have Jensen crawl after him and then cheat on him again? Was it really a bet? Is Jared _that_ cruel? What did Jensen do to deserve all of this?

Jensen eventually collapses on the couch and wakes up with Icarus licking his face. Jensen opens his eyes and realizes it’s already morning. He feels awful, both physically because of the hangover he’s sporting, but most of all emotionally. He wishes he could just dig a hole on the floor and disappear, wishes it was all a bad dream but it wasn’t. His heartbreak is proof enough that it was all real.

Slowly getting up from the couch, Jensen moves to his bathroom for a shower. He wishes he could take the day off, but he already did that yesterday. He doesn’t want to push. He slowly gets dressed and makes himself some much needed coffee and some toasts. Jensen remembers the times Jared came over for breakfast, when he made french toasts for them. Now he knows why Jared was so touched when Jensen made those, it was because he had made french toasts for Jared in the past. And he was the one who taught Jared to play guitar. Jensen was the Harry Potter fan.

Jensen’s heart hurts at the memory; is Jared that good of an actor? Because it all felt so _real_. When Jensen looked into Jared’s eyes, he could see truth behind them, and also so much pain.

Could Jared be hurting too, for some reason? But again, why hasn’t he come clean with Jensen from the beginning? Why not tell him the whole truth? Why did Jared lie to him? Jensen feels betrayed and hurt, he doesn’t think he could ever understand. Jared is a liar, nothing more than that. That’s what he is. Jensen will survive, he has to. It’s just another blow life threw at him, one more to his collection of so many.

Jensen finally leaves for work after saying goodbye to Icarus, and he’s dreading even walking past Jared’s house. He doesn’t want to look. As he’s walking right in front of it, head down and hands buried deep in his pockets, he hears barking. Jensen knows it’s Sadie and tries to ignore it, she’s probably playing with Jared in the backyard. But the barking grows louder and more desperate. Jensen finally chances a quick glance up, and after a quick scan he realizes Sadie is jumping up and down behind the window next to the front door. She sounds desperate, like she’s trying to get Jensen’s attention for some reason.

An invisible hand squeezes Jensen’s heart. Could there be something wrong? Maybe a burglar or something? Jensen is torn between ignoring it and going to check it out. He _should_ ignore it. He doesn’t want anything to do with Jared. But Sadie is still desperately barking, still jumping up and down, and Jensen is suddenly afraid. He tells himself he’s only checking it out, if Jared shows up he can say his dog was being loud and he went over to tell Jared to get her to quiet down.

Jensen slowly approaches the house and walks over to the window Sadie’s at.

“Hey girl, what’s up with you?”

Sadie barks at him, and then looks at a spot to her side, barking again, scratching at the window, then looks back at Jensen. Jensen frowns, moving his body to the side so he can try and get a look at the spot Sadie is pointing at.

His veins turn into ice when he spots a limp arm on the floor. All thoughts leave Jensen’s brain, he just needs to _get inside_. Jensen checks the door but it’s too heavy, and from the looks of it, Jared is lying just behind it. He frantically searches around and finds some plant pots. Heart hammering in his ears, Jensen grabs one and yells at the dog.

“Sadie, get away!”

The dog apparently understands Jensen’s intentions since she moves out of the way a moment before the pot goes flying through the window, making the glass explode into a million pieces. Jensen harshly takes off his jacket and throws it over the window frame so he can climb over it without cutting himself.

When Jensen is finally inside he wastes no time looking over to where Jared is lying, and his heart stops beating for a moment. Jared is on the floor, unconscious, lying on his side with his hair falling over his face. Jensen quickly closes the distance between them and falls to his knees on the floor right beside Jared. He gently shakes his shoulder.

“Jared? Jared, can you hear me?”

There’s absolutely no reaction, and Jensen gets more desperate, shaking Jared a bit harder as he feels his eyes welling up. “JARED! Please talk to me! Open your eyes Jared come on! What did you do?!”

There’s nothing again, and Jensen holds his breath as he places two fingers on Jared’s neck, trying to feel for a pulse. It takes a few seconds, the longest of Jensen’s entire existence where he fears the worst, but finally he feels a weak pulse under his fingers. Jensen lets out a deep breath as some tears escape his eyes.

“Oh thank God.” Jensen quickly takes his phone out of his pocket and with trembling fingers calls 911, pleading for an ambulance. The dispatcher tells him it’s gonna be there soon, so Jensen hangs up the phone, quickly unlocks the door and leaves it open, then sits down next to Jared, Sadie approaching them too and lying down next to her human. Jensen just looks at Jared’s unconscious form for a few moments, a myriad of feelings roiling around inside of him. He wants to hate Jared so much, he’s a cheater and a liar, and yet if he loses Jared… he doesn’t even know.

Jensen holds Jared’s hand in his, so maybe Jared can feel he’s not alone and also Jensen presses his thumb on Jared’s pulse point so he can feel it until the paramedics arrive. Jensen takes a look around the room and notices a couple of suitcases right next to the door, plus Sadie has her collar on. Was Jared planning on leaving? And why does the mere thought of Jared leaving break Jensen completely?

Something else catches Jensen’s eye, there’s something peeking out of Jared’s back pocket. He carefully reaches for it with his free hand, and realizes it’s the old photo he threw at Jared last night. Fresh tears fall down Jensen’s face and he feels so conflicted. He hates Jared for everything he did to him, but at the same time Jensen loves him so much. Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand harder.

“Don’t you dare die on me now, you asshole. You have some serious explaining to do.”

*

Jensen is pacing around the waiting room at the hospital, and he has no idea what to do. He couldn’t even fill out the forms, he doesn’t know much about Jared. It’s a good thing he had the presence of mind to grab Jared’s phone and wallet from his house, giving his ID to the paramedics so they could identify him. He has no idea if he should call someone from Jared’s family, even though Jared has said he has a difficult relationship with his parents, but they _are_ his parents. But again, Jared’s phone is locked so there’s no way Jensen can get the contact information.

He feels anguished, desperate, with Jared behind those doors somewhere and him having no idea what is going on. Jensen notices he’s still holding the old photo he took out of Jared’s pocket. He stares at it for a long moment, lost in those young faces, with a whole future ahead of them, so full of hope. They look so in love, so connected, so intimate. Is it possible that it was all a lie from Jared’s part?

Jensen waits for what seems like hours, and eventually Jared’s phone rings. Jensen quickly checks the display and sees it’s Chad. Jared’s friend, Jensen remembers Jared mentioning him. Swallowing hard, Jensen answers the call.

“Hello?”

An agitated voice speaks. _“Hello? Who is this? Is it Jensen?”_

Jensen frowns. “Yes, this is Jensen.”

There’s an exhale _. “Oh thank God! I’m Chad, Jared’s friend. The hospital called me since I’m listed as Jared’s emergency contact.”_

Jensen’s eyes widen. “Oh. Yeah well Jared mentioned not talking to his parents and…”

_“Yeah, he cut ties with them a long time ago. Doesn’t matter. Dude, what’s going on? They didn’t tell me much over the phone, just that Jared was brought to the hospital unconscious!”_

Jensen nods and briefly tells Chad what happened, how he found Jared, called an ambulance and now he’s waiting but doubts they’re gonna tell him anything since he’s not family.”

_“Jensen look, I’m in Atlanta now and it will be a long time before I can get my ass over there. I told the nurse who called me that they can give you all the information they have on Jared since she told me you were there, having arrived with him. I also told her you are his boyfriend.”_

Jensen’s eyes widen again. “But I’m not…”

_“It doesn’t matter Jensen! You need to at least have some connection with him, the friendly neighbor won’t be enough for them to disclose medical information!”_

Jensen nods again, feeling his heart beating faster. “O-okay. Okay, good thinking. I’ll be here waiting for any information they have on Jared.”

_“Good, it’s good you’re there with him. Look, give me your number so I can contact you directly, I’ll try to be there as soon as I can.”_

Jensen recites his phone to Chad, who tells him he will be sending a text so he can save his number as well. Chad makes Jensen promise to tell him anything that happens, and then the call is disconnected. Jensen feels dizzy, his head is hurting so much.

Jensen waits for what seem like hours, he contacts Chris to let him know there was an emergency and he won’t be able to make it to work today. Then he waits and waits some more, getting more desperately impatient and nervous by the minute, dreading what may be happening behind those doors.

Eventually, after three lifetimes, a doctor comes into the room asking for Jensen Ackles. Jensen jumps to his feet.

“That’s me!”

The doctor extends a hand, which Jensen takes. “Hello Mr. Ackles, I’m doctor Morgan. Nice to meet you.”

Jensen nods quickly. “Please call me Jensen. How is Jared? Is he okay? What’s going on?”

The doctor studies Jensen for a few moments. “I understand you’re Jared’s boyfriend, is that correct? The person who is listed as his emergency contact gave the okay to pass the information to you?”

Jensen nods again. “Yes, that’s right. Jared has no contact with his family. Please, doctor. How is he?”

Doctor Morgan gives Jensen a pointed look. “Well, Jensen. We ran a number of tests, and I’m afraid Jared has suffered a stroke.”

Jensen feels as if he has been punched on the gut. “A stroke? But how is that even possible? He's so young?”

The doctor frowns at him, turning his head slightly to one side. “Hasn’t Jared told you?”

Pure dread spreads all over Jensen’s body in a single second, and it feels as if an invisible hand is squeezing his heart. When he speaks again, his voice is shaking.

“To--told me what exactly?”

The world stops for a moment before the doctor answers, the frown lifting from his face as a look of understanding sympathy replaces it.

“Jensen... Jared has a brain tumor.”

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: now perhaps would be a good time to revisit some parts of the story...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys here's a small announcement before this chapter!! I'm posting this one faster than usual, only 5 days after the last one, bc I know you guys are anxious to know what follows that bomb I dropped (lol sorry about that) BUT... Even if I had chapter 7 ready to go, I wasn't sure if I should post now or wait a few days, since there may be a slight bigger gap between chapters 7 and 8. I started focusing on my Big Bang too now, since drafts due date is approaching fast and I really want to participate this year. i've been neglecting my other fic but it's time I get to it. I finally manage to write quite a bit last night, and for me to be able to finish at least a draft in time, I'm gonna have to split myself in two so I can work on those fics. Since sadly I can't spend all day long writing, I can't work on both like I wanted to.
> 
> So because of that, it may take a bit longer to finish the next chapters, I even asked on twitter today if you guys preferred to wait a bit moe for this one or for chapter 8 since this one also ends... well, you'll see. some of you said you wanted the chapter now, so I'm giving it to you, I know how anxious you are to find out what happens to Jared next. I just want to give you a heads up that 8 may take longer to come, alright? I really want to give you guys both stories and I hope you understand!
> 
> Having said that, I was soooooo happy with all your comments on last chapter! Sorry for the bomb, but I *really* wanted to surprise you guys. I've been keeping this secret for ages and I was dying to tell you all. I hope I don't disappoint! And don't worry, I don't write death fics, come on!!!! Please gimme some nice comments on this one too as you've been doing so beautifully!!
> 
> PS: thanks again for my beta Mag who ran some ideas with me today! you're the best!

_**Jensen** _

The words leave the doctor’s mouth but it’s like Jensen can’t register them. It’s almost as if he spoke in another language. Jensen shakes his head in disbelief as he looks at the doctor.

“What did you say?”

The doctor places a gentle hand on Jensen’s shoulder and guides him to the row of plastic chairs. “Let’s sit down for a minute.”

Jensen is too dumbstruck to protest and allows the doctor to take him. They both sit down and Jensen looks at Doctor Morgan, giving him a pleading look.

“Please doctor. What did you just say?”

The doctor purses his lips and crosses his fingers in front of him. “Jensen, Jared has a tumor in his brain. He has had it for a while now.”

Jensen’s world is collapsing all around him and he’s trying to make sense of what he’s hearing. This is a nightmare, it has to be. Jared has a tumor in his brain? _What the fuck_?? Then something else registers in his brain, penetrating the fog that dominates it.

“Wait a second. Jared _knows_ about it? He knows he has a brain t--tumor?”

Jensen still has trouble saying the word, it’s still too absurd. The doctor nods slowly. “Yes Jensen, he knows it. His files were transferred from Atlanta, he already knew before moving here.”

Jensen is completely shocked hearing this. Jared knew all along he has a tumor and never mentioned it to Jensen? What the fuck?

“But… is he treating it? Is it… is it cancer?”

Doctor Morgan sighs. “Jensen, I can’t get into too much detail now since Jared is being prepped for surgery now and I have to go back soon. To sum up, no it’s not a malignant tumor. It doesn’t mean it’s less dangerous. It has grown considerably, and now an edema formed around it. The edema burst a vein causing him to stroke out. We need to perform an emergency surgery now to relieve the pressure from the swelling. And then when that’s taken care of, we are gonna see about removing the tumor with another surgery.”

Jensen frowns, trying to understand everything. “But… if Jared knew about the tumor, then why didn’t he have the surgery already so he would get rid of it?”

“A brain surgery is very delicate, especially to remove a tumor like Jared’s. He may have one or more functions on his body affected with the removal. From what I understand, Jared had chosen not to have the surgery.”

Jensen frowns deeper, this doesn’t make any sense. He shakes his head. “But… if he chose not to have the surgery, what would happen? He would just stay with the tumor in his brain indefinitely?”

Doctor Morgan studies Jensen for a long moment before answering. “Until it grew enough that it would end up causing a serious problem, like the one now. Or possibly cause an aneurysm, killing him instantly.”

Jensen feels as if the air has just been knocked out of him and he gasps for it. “But… but Jared knew about these risks?”

The doctor nods slowly, giving Jensen a sympathy look. “Yes Jensen, he very likely did. Jared was on medication to try to slow the growth of it. But he had made his choice.”

The implications of the doctor’s words are very clear. Jensen doesn’t know what to say, he has trouble breathing. The doctor opens his mouth to say something else but then a voice announces his name, calling him to the OR, so he gets up and Jensen tries to find the strength to follow him.

“Okay Jensen I need to go now, Jared needs to be operated on right away. It’s gonna take a few hours, and when it’s over I’ll come to talk to you again.”

Jensen nods, throat too tight to speak. The doctor turns away and takes a couple of steps, but turns to Jensen again, reaching into his coat pocket. He takes out a small ziploc bag and offers it to Jensen.

“The nurse removed this from Jared’s neck. You probably want to keep it.”

Jensen reaches out a trembling hand and takes the bag from the doctor, who quickly leaves. Jensen swallows hard as he opens the bag, fishing out a thin chain with a silver ring dangling from it. Exactly like the one Jensen found in his old box yesterday.

Jensen stares at it dumbfounded and as his legs give out from under him, he collapses onto the nearest chair. He inspects the ring in his hand, it looks old, dull and worn, like it has been in contact with Jared’s skin for years. The doctor said he was _wearing_ the chain with the ring. He was obviously doing it under his clothes since Jensen never saw it.

Has Jared always worn it? Well, not always since he didn’t have it on when they slept together, Jensen remembers that very well. Why was he wearing it now? And most of all, why does he still have the ring after all these years?

Jensen knows it’s the same ring, the words engraved on the inside are still there.

_Love, J_

Jensen clutches the ring tight in his fist, he doesn’t know what to think, how to feel. Nothing makes sense, Jared cheated on him, he betrayed Jensen the worst possible way. He didn’t care about Jensen, so why does he still wear the ring after all that? Why did Jared come to live next door to Jensen, knowing about his amnesia? Why didn’t he tell Jensen the truth? If he didn’t care about Jensen, why does he still have the ring?

Why hasn’t he told Jensen he has a fucking _brain tumor_??

Tears explode from Jensen’s eyes as he realizes Jared knew he was slowly dying and chose not to do anything about it.

_Why?_

Jensen desperately hopes he has a chance to talk to Jared once more, to at least find answers to the million questions he has in his mind. He remembers their argument from last night, and something suddenly comes rushing back.

Jensen shoving Jared backwards, and he fell on the couch, bumping his head. Jensen remembers now, how disoriented Jared seemed after that, but he was too angry to pay any attention at the moment.

Could Jensen have damaged the tumor in Jared’s brain even further, causing the stroke later?

Suddenly Jensen feels sick to his stomach, he bolts to the nearest bathroom and almost misses the toilet as he loses all the contents in his stomach. Jensen heaves bile until there’s nothing else to come out, then he drags himself to the sink. Jensen stares at himself in the mirror, knowing that if he caused harm to Jared, he will never forgive himself. He realizes he’s still holding the chain, so he makes a decision. Jensen pulls it over his head, the ring now dangling from the chain over his chest. He places it under the shirt he’s wearing, so it’s in contact with his skin.

He drags himself back to the waiting room, there are so many things he needs to know, but there’s only one thought on his mind and only one feeling in his heart.

He cannot lose Jared, and he needs to learn the truth, because now Jensen feels deep inside there may be another truth out there to learn.

*

Jensen waits and waits, for centuries it seems. His heart feels so tight, there are so many emotions fighting for dominance inside him. He has called Chris, letting him know everything that happened, and his friend was very concerned about the situation and Jared’s state. Chris had very kindly offered to go check on Icarus and also Sadie, as well as take care of Jared’s house since Jensen has no idea how they left it, all he can remember is that he smashed a window. He also told Jensen not to worry about work and to keep him updated. Jensen has also contacted Chad, telling him Jared has suffered a stroke but not getting into more details. Chad had told Jensen he was at the airport trying to get a flight to Chicago, and would be there as soon as possible.

Jensen finds so ironic that Jared and him have brain related issues. Jensen lost his memories due to a blow to the head during the accident, and now Jared has a brain tumor that may kill him, or do God knows what. Jensen even tries to do some research on brain tumors on his phone as he waits, but it turns out to be too much so he gives up on it. It’s just _too much_.

After a few lifetimes, Doctor Morgan finally steps into the waiting room, and Jensen jumps up to meet the doctor.

“Doctor please, how is Jared?”

Doctor Morgan offers Jensen a small smile. “Well Jensen, we performed a craniectomy on Jared, which is the removal of a part of the skull to help relieve the pressure the edema was causing. We’re gonna monitor his vitals very closely now since it was a very delicate operation.”

Jensen lets out a breath. “Okay, but… is he gonna be okay?”

The doctor purses his lips. “It’s too soon to tell, Jensen. He’s gonna be kept in the ICU so we can keep a very close eye on him. The first 72 hours after a procedure like this are always the most delicate ones.”

Jensen nods, trying to take it all in. “What about… what about the tumor? Is he gonna have another surgery to remove it?”

“Well, first we’re gonna monitor Jared and see how he recovers from this surgery. Then we’re gonna study the tumor and see if it’s safe to remove it without causing too much damage. But like I said, with a tumor like this in the brain there’s always a high risk of one or more functions in his body being adversely affected.”

Jensen swallows hard, it’s just too much to process. “Can I… can I see him?”

The doctor nods. “Jared is being settled in the ICU and needs some time post surgery, but in a couple of hours, if he’s stable, you can see him.”

Jensen nods. “Thanks for the information, doctor.”

“There’s another thing I meant to tell you before, Jensen.”

Jensen blinks a few times. “Yeah?”

Doctor Morgan gives Jensen a pointed look. “Well, from what I saw in Jared’s files, he had an appointment with another neurosurgeon here scheduled for this afternoon.”

Jensen’s eyes widen. “An appointment? For what?”

The doctor raises his eyebrows. “Apparently he may have changed his mind about having the tumor removed.”

The doctor leaves then, and Jensen is left speechless. Jared had apparently decided he wasn’t gonna have the surgery since it was too risky and had accepted his upcoming death… and now he had changed his mind about it, suddenly deciding to take the risk? Why would he change his mind like this?

Jensen reaches into his back pocket and takes out their picture, staring deeply at it. He sits on a chair and runs his fingers over Jared’s face, trying to decipher him. Suddenly, a conversation from a few days ago floods his mind.

_“Do you… Do you think it’s worth it?” Jared had asked._

_“What’s worth it?” Jensen asked in return._

_“Living. Do you think living is worth it?” Jared had looked up at the sky while answering._

Jensen feels his eyes welling up as he replays the words from that day. Jared had asked Jensen if he planned to stick around, and Jensen had said he did, because Jared was worth it. And then Jensen asked Jared the same question he had asked him, if he thought life was worth it.

_“I’m beginning to believe it really is worth a chance,” Jared answered._

Jensen can’t help the tears that escape his eyes, and he clutches the picture as he sobs, hiding his face in his hands. Is it possible that Jared had changed his mind after this conversation? That knowing how Jensen felt about him made Jared want to take the risk so he could live? _For Jensen_? This doesn’t make any sense, Jared betrayed him in the past, he lied to him. Jared simply made Jensen believe they were strangers and hide the fact that he had cheated on Jensen without even talking to him about it. Jensen feels completely lost because he just wants to _understand_.

Jensen is still sobbing, and doesn’t hear his name being called. Only when a hand touches his shoulder does Jensen look up. He wipes his eyes and finds himself looking at a blonde dude he doesn’t know.

“You’re Jensen?” The guy asks, a deep frown on his face.

Jensen just nods, throat still too tight to speak. The guy looks horrified as he takes in Jensen’s state, he brings both hands to his mouth as his eyes go wide as saucers.

“Oh my God. Did something happen to Jared?”

Suddenly it clicks in Jensen’s brain who the guy is, and he notices there’s a suitcase next to him.

“Chad?”

Chad doesn’t answer, just shakes his head as his own eyes fill with tears. “Just tell me Jensen, is Jared… is he…”

Jensen just realizes why Chad is so distressed, he has been sobbing as if something very terrible happened. So Jensen quickly gets up from the chair and touches Chad’s arm. “No! God no. Jared is alive, he just got out of surgery.”

It takes a moment for the words to penetrate Chad’s brain as he’s apparently trying to recover from his panic. Jensen keeps telling him Jared is alive, and finally Chad nods, his breaths evening out.

“He’s… he’s alive?”

Jensen nods. “Yes, he is. Let’s sit down so we can talk.”

Jensen makes Chad sit on one of the chairs and follows him. He tells Chad what has happened, how Jared had a stroke because of his brain tumor. At that, Chad’s eyes widen again.

“Brain tumor? What the fuck?”

Jensen frowns. “You didn’t know?”

Chad is silent for a while, apparently deep in thoughts. “No… he--he never told me. A while ago Jaybird started having these terrible headaches and I made him go see a doctor. But he had told me they didn’t find anything, that it was much likely just stress. Oh God. _Oh God_.” Chad leans down and starts punching his own forehead with his closed fists. “I’m so stupid! God I’m so stupid!”

Jensen quickly grabs Chad’s arms and holds them in place. “You’re not stupid Chad! Apparently Jared didn’t want anyone to know.”

Chad looks up at Jensen with red eyes and a dejected look on his face. “He’s my best friend.”

Jensen purses his lips. “I know. But it can’t be easy telling our close ones something like this, can it?”

Chad shakes his head. “Guess not.”

Jensen takes a deep breath and tells Chad the rest of it, how Jared is now recovering from the surgery and may have another one soon to remove the tumor.

Chad lets out a humorless chuckle. “God I’m gonna kick Jaybird’s ass so fucking hard for this.” He looks over at Jensen. “He told you about the tumor?”

Jensen shakes his head. “I just found him lying unconscious in his living room this morning. Had no idea.”

Jensen and Chad chat some more and wait until they’re allowed to go see Jared. Finally a nurse appears and tells them they can each have a few minutes with Jared. Chad tells Jensen he can go in first, and Jensen is just too anxious to see Jared to say anything. So after scrubbing and putting on the gown and mask, Jensen is allowed into the ICU. He swallows hard as he approaches Jared’s bed, and finally takes a look at him. Jared is almost as white as the sheet, and hooked up to countless machines. There’s a patch covering the right side of his head, just behind his year, and that section of his head has been shaved. For a split second Jensen is glad they didn’t shave his whole head, but quickly realizes it doesn’t matter. Jensen carefully takes Jared’s hand, minding the clip on his finger. He leans down so he’s closer to Jared’s face.

“Hey Jared… Jay. It’s Jensen, I’m here. Listen, you better hang in there, alright. You have some serious explaining to do, like I’ve told you already, and you won’t get away from it that easily.”

Fresh tears fall down Jensen’s face as he takes in Jared’s lifeless form. “But we can call it a truce now, alright? You just need to be okay for now.” Jensen purses his lips as he stares at Jared. “I’m so sorry if I caused you any harm, Jared.”

The nurse tells Jensen he needs to leave now, so he kisses the back of Jared’s hand. “I’ll be back, okay?”

Jensen leaves the ICU as Chad prepares to go in, and he runs into Doctor Morgan.

“Hey Doctor... Can I ask you something?”

The doctor turns to Jensen and nods. “Sure Jensen, what is it?”

“Well… last night Jared and I we… well, we sorta had an argument and I was angry and…” Jensen feels very ashamed and lowers his head. “Well, I ended up shoving him, and he fell on the couch and hit his head on the back of it. Do you think… do you think I could have caused this? By pushing him?”

Jensen gives the doctor a desperate look, and he purses his lips. “Well Jensen, it’s hard to tell. That edema wasn’t formed overnight, it would have taken a much stronger hit to cause such a damage. I can’t say if it aggravated it or not. Jared also could have been under a lot of stress, and his brain took the brunt of it. Please don’t beat yourself up for it. And from the looks of it, you didn’t even know about the tumor. It was bound to happen sooner or later, and Jared knew it. Now we just need to deal with it and take care of Jared. What happened, happened. Okay? Jared needs you now.”

Jensen slowly nods. “Yeah, okay.”

“Now, may I suggest you go home and get some rest? From what we know, it was bound to happen at any moment, there’s no way to know for sure. We need to focus now on getting Jared through this. I strongly suggest you go home and get some rest.”

Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t want to leave Jared.”

The doctor reaches out and places a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “Jensen, there’s nothing you can do here. You won’t be able to see Jared anymore tonight, and if you give your number to the nurses, they will call you if anything happens. You’ve been here all day long, you need to get some rest and take care of yourself now so you can take care of Jared later.”

Jensen finally nods, the doctor is right. He leaves Jensen, who waits for Chad. The man leaves the ICU looking devastated, and Jensen knows the feeling. He convinces Chad to go home with him, he also needs some rest especially after travelling all the way to Illinois from Georgia. They take an Uber and Jensen calls Chris, updating him on the latest news. His friend tells him he took Icarus and Sadie, he is keeping Icarus and Steve agreed to taking Sadie in for the time being. He also says he took care of Jared’s house, finding the keys and taking them with him, and he also covered the damaged window. He tells Jensen not to worry about his job, he can take time off as much as he wants to be with Jared. Jensen profusely thanks his friend for everything, promising to stop by his place or the shop tomorrow. He hangs up at the same time the driver pulls up to his house.

Both men exit the car and Jensen turns to Chad. “My friend Chris has the keys to Jared’s house, he came over to make sure it was all taken care of after I smashed the window to get to Jared. I’ll get the keys tomorrow, but for now you’re more than welcome to stay with me, I have a spare room.”

Chad nods. “Thanks man. We barely know each other, I really appreciate it.”

Jensen shrugs. “Well… I know you and Jared are pretty close from what he told me. And I can see how shaken up you are. Despite everything that happened… well, let’s go inside.”

Jensen shows Chad the guest room, and leaves him to it. He orders pizza for them since they haven’t eaten anything for hours and even though Jensen isn’t hungry, he knows he must eat something because the next days will be tough. Then he takes a shower and as the pizza arrives, Chad and him sit at the kitchen island to eat.

They stay in silence for a while until Jensen breaks it.

“So… do you know who I am? I mean, you obviously do since you mentioned my name when I answered Jared’s phone.” Chad nods as he chews on his pizza. “Okay, so how much do you know who I am?”

Chad swallows and studies Jensen for a while. He sets down his pizza and lets out a breath. “Yeah, I know you. I mean, I know you and Jared have a past but I have no idea what happened exactly. He never told me and I never asked. He kept a picture of you so I knew you were someone important to him, but I sensed it was a sore subject. To be honest, I don’t think he ever told anyone.”

Jensen nods, trying to take the information in. Before he can say anything though, Chad goes on.

“Jared asked me to find you.”

Jensen’s eyes widen. “Excuse me??”

“Well… Jared knows I have a few contacts in the police, and he somehow - don’t ask me how because I honestly don’t know - learned you had been living in Illinois. He asked me if I could contact one of my friends so he could try and find out your whereabouts. So I did, I gave him your address. A few days later Jared announced he had been magically transferred to Chicago. I never bought it, of course. I knew he was moving up here for you.”

Jensen lets this information sink in and shakes his head. “I don’t understand. None of this makes any sense, Chad.”

Chad cocks his head to the side. “Why not?”

Jensen shrugs. “Because. Jared, he… he was the one who broke my heart years ago. He was the one who didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and ended things in the worst possible way. Now I find all of this new information and nothing makes a lick of sense. Jared never cared about me before, why does he care now?”

Chad is silent for a long moment as he takes his time to eat his slice of pizza and reach for a new one. He bites his bottom lip as he stares at Jensen.

“Look, Jensen… I’m not gonna discuss Jared’s issues with you without his consent, it wouldn’t be fair. If he wants to, he hopefully will have the chance to talk to you. But what I’m gonna say is… it has never been easy for Jared. He always… well, when I first met him actually…” Chad shakes his head and looks down. “No I can’t do this. But like I said, I have no clue what happened between the two of you in the past, Jared has never talked about it, but I know first hand how much he has always suffered and how very likely it has to do with you.”

They don’t speak anymore about Jared, but Jensen can’t take Chad’s words out of his mind, and he feels more confused than ever. He only hopes he has a chance to actually talk to Jared and learn the whole truth.

*

A couple of days pass and Jared is making some progress. He is still recovering from the surgery, and even though Jared hasn’t woken up yet, the doctor says it’s going well. Chad has contacted Jared’s siblings, since according to Chad, Jared is still in contact with them despite not talking to his parents - Chad doesn’t call them, by the way - but neither can come to Illinois since Megan just had a baby and Jeff is living in Europe, but both are deeply worried about Jared, calling and facetiming with Chad all the time to learn how Jared is doing. Jensen is glad Jared at least gets along with his siblings.

Jensen has gone back to work part-time as Chad usually stays in the hospital, Jensen felt he really needed something to occupy his mind since he can’t even see Jared much. He has been allowed to see him a handful of times and always for a few minutes only, and Jared has looked the same as the first time.

Jensen and Chad arrive at the hospital in the morning, after Jensen wanted to stop by before going to work. Doctor Morgan greets them as they approach the ICU.

“Hello gentlemen. I have good news, Jared has finally woken up.”

Jensen feels his heartbeat instantly speeding up. “Really? That’s awesome! So that means he’s getting better right?”

The doctor nods. “Yes, he’s recovering well. And we can start thinking about scheduling his other surgery, to remove the tumor, in the next few days. We cannot risk the tumor growing and causing any more damage.”

Jensen licks his lips. “But… could Jared’s functions really be affected with the surgery?”

The doctor nods. “Sadly, it’s a risk we have to take if we want to try and save Jared’s life. It’s hard to tell what the outcome could be for sure, but from the position of the tumor, I’d say his movements might be affected. I can’t tell what else.”

Jensen nods. “Well, if it’s the only option… can--can we see him?”

“Yes, you can. But you need to be extremely careful with Jared. He needs to be as unperturbed as possible as not to cause any more stress on his brain. He can’t go through any kind of strong emotion if we want to keep him safe for the surgery.”

Jensen takes the doctor’s words in and turns to Chad. “You better go in, then. He shouldn’t see me, I don’t know how he would react. And I don’t want to risk causing anymore damage.”

Chad studies Jensen for a couple of seconds. “Okay, I’ll go in. But wait here, I’ll try to prepare Jared so you can go see him.”

Chad leaves with the doctor and Jensen is left to wait, and those are some of the hardest moments in his life. What is he gonna say to Jared if he sees him? There are so many things they need to say, but this clearly isn’t the time. Jensen is glad Jared at least is awake, that’s already a small victory.

Finally Chad returns, a small smile on his face. “Jared is looking good. He’s too weak and can’t talk much, his speech is a little slurred, but he seems okay. I told him you are here and want to see him, and was quick to let him know you come in peace. You come in peace right?”

Jensen chuckles and nods. “Totally.”

Jensen scrubs and puts on the gown so he can go see Jared, his heart beating a mile a minute. When he finally approaches the bed, he sees Jared’s eyes are half opened, and they slowly move to look at him. Jared doesn’t express any emotions or say anything, he just looks intensely at Jensen as he swallows hard. Jensen offers him a small smile.

“Hey, Jared. How are you doing?”

Jared swallows again and slowly opens his mouth, as if just that simple movement is too much for him.

“Good.”

Jensen reaches out and touches Jared’s shoulder to let him know it’s okay. “You hang in there okay? So you can get through that other surgery and get the hell out of here.”

Jared answers after a few moments.

“I’m… ‘cared.”

Jensen gives him a sympathy look. “I know. But it’s the only chance you have, Jared. You do want to live, don’t you?”

Jared stares intensely at Jensen as he speaks. “Guess.”

Jensen smiles. “Well, you won’t get rid of me and the talk we need to have that easily, you hear me?”

Jared nods slowly and swallows hard again. “Jens…?”

Jensen lifts an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Ask… As’ Chad. For the letter.”

Jensen frowns. “Letter?”

Jared blinks as he looks deeply at Jensen. “Yes. Please Jens--”

Jensen realizes Jared may be exerting himself, so he squeezes his shoulder and nods. “I will. I promise.”

Jared nods and smiles. “‘Kay.”

The nurse comes to tell Jensen he needs to leave now since Jared needs to rest, and Jensen realizes Jared’s eyelids are getting heavy indeed.

“I’m gonna leave now, alright? But you hang in there, Jared.”

Jensen turns to leave, but Jared calls him with a weak voice. “Jen?”

Jensen turns around again, lifting an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“I don… I don’t even have…” Jared swallows hard before making a last effort to continue. “...have a reco’ player.”

Jared’s eyes close after that, and Jensen leaves the ICU feeling even more confused. Was Jared trying to say he doesn’t have a record player? What does this have to do with anything? Jensen is just too tired to connect the dots, he just disposes his gown and goes meet up with Chad. He needs to leave for work and Chad is going to stay for a while, but before Jensen leaves, he tells Chad what Jared asked.

“Jared said something about a letter. He asked you to give me a letter. Do you have any idea what he may be talking about?”

Chad swallows hard and nods slowly. “Yeah, I know. I have it with me, I assumed I should bring it and thankfully I was right. I’ll stop by your house later and give it to you.”

*

Jensen spends the whole day thinking about what Jared told him, and what this letter may be about. As he stares at the row of vinyls, he remembers the first day Jared came over to the store, and how Jensen asked if he had a record player. Jared was awkward for a moment before confirming, and it hits Jensen then.

Jared didn’t have a player, he wasn’t here for the vinyls. He only came over to see Jensen, the discs were just an excuse. Jensen brings his hand up and touches the ring hanging from his chest through the fabric of his shirt. He still hasn’t taken it off, it’s like it’s a part of him and it brings him closer to Jared even if he doesn’t understand the past yet. It gets more and more confusing, actually.

A while after arriving home that evening and playing with Icarus - who’s now back with Jensen - the doorbell rings and Jensen finds Chad on the other side. He invites the man in, and as Jensen closes the door, Chad offers him an envelope.

“This is the letter. Jared gave it to me before coming up here, he asked me to give it to you in case something happened to him. I didn’t understand it at the time, I thought he meant generally, I would never think he had something… well. It makes sense now. I have no idea what’s in it, I never read it. But it’s time it gets to you.”

Chad leaves and Jensen stares at the sealed envelope in his hands. He turns it around and reads the words _To Jensen_ written in Jared’s handwriting, the same one he found in his letters and the card in his box. Jensen wants to open it and just read what’s inside, but he doesn’t know if he can. He desperately wants to learn at least some of the truth, but at the same time he’s dreading what he may find inside. Jensen walks to his room and reaches for the shoe box that’s been lying on his dresser, placing the letter inside. He needs to be ready for this and right now he’s not. It’s just too much.

*

Jared’s surgery is scheduled for two days later, Jared is stable enough for it and the doctors don’t want to delay any longer, since it’s getting more and more risky for Jared. Jensen has been by to see Jared again a couple more times, but he has been sleeping both times. It’s better this way, Jensen wouldn’t know what to say to Jared specially since he hasn’t read the letter yet.

The surgery is happening the next morning at 7 am, and Jensen just can’t sleep. He took a nice warm shower to try and relax, but he just tosses and turns. He’s deeply afraid about the surgery tomorrow, what may happen to Jared. The worst may happen, and Jensen may not see Jared ever again, never see his beautiful eyes, never hear his raspy voice singing to him.

The fear of losing Jared is what makes Jensen get up and turn on his bedside lamp. He slowly walks to his dresser and opens the box, taking out the letter. He sits back on the bed and with trembling fingers, tears the envelope open, carefully not to damage the sheet of paper inside. Jensen slowly pulls it out, unfolding it to find a long letter, written clearly by Jared. It’s definitely an old thing, obviously written years ago.

Jensen takes a deep breath as he prepares himself to maybe learn the truth once and for all.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
